It has been a pretty long time since I have wrote anything. Life is this beautiful, emotional rollercoaster that stops for no one. All I can think to say is, after a long hard look at life , no one can save you, no one has a magical solution to your problems. No one except you. I became so fed up with spiritual preachers and gurus trying to give a formula for life when it just makes their wallets fatter. They want you to bury your head in the sand, ignore life's problems with the gloss of "positivity" and pay them for guidance. Yet, if you look deep into their lives you will see it doesn't really work for them either, they are just as hurt, effed up, and seeking as you are. Money is just the motivation. The truth is life can suck, it can be unfair, we get sick, we have pain, we hurt, we seek. I won't give you an explanation of why, and I sure won't use ancient books to assist me in forming a theory that won't do much good in reality. I will say I have learned I do have choice, I do have it in me to keep going, to be hopeful. I also break down and that's okay because it is just part of life. No one is any better than anyone no matter how they try to sell it to you. When we let go of all judgments, when we let go of all expectations placed by others, religion, society, and make our own damn choices that make us happy and our life better. That's freedom. At least it is for me. I realized my biggest problem was wanting someone to tell me how to be good, how to be okay, how to be normal, loveable, happy.. I tried it all, I did what I was told over and over. Only to find nothing really changed. So now I am not seeing a person, a savior, a god. I am living my life, I am living however the hell I want , knowing fully of consequences of course ( yes I believe in morals LOL) . I am finally saying fuck you to all the "spiritual leaders, gurus, teachers" and to the ancient books etc. Fuck the self help, fuck the crazy cults ( in all religions) who want to feed on your fears to get your money and obedience.. I am free. You are free. All my searching has led right back to me. Friend, you in all your good and bad are fine. Stop beating yourself up. Stop searching for someone to tell you that you are worthy , or good enough. You are. Right now . So that is my rant. Other than learning this huge lesson, I just keep letting go and rolling with life. No one can escape life no matter who you pray to, what you believe, who your teacher is. If they tell you different , they are lying and I'm sure just want you to keep coming back. Can things make it easier to get through life? Of course! Thinking positive helps to cope, praying gives on the idea of not being alone, and so on. Yet, there is this beautiful free place you reach when you stop striving for all of that. You let life go as it will, and you can accept it.
So there you have it. I'm not sure when I will be back here again, so many things coming along in life there isn't much time for writing. Until next time much love to you.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
My problem.
I am back, I am trying to figure out what direction to take this , and everything in my life. What people have always hated about me is that I don't just sit quiet or turn a blind eye. Let me explain, since as far back as I can remember I have been a fighter, not just drama, beating up others lol. I mean a fighter for truth and rights. I swear I was just born this way. In elementary school my first boyfriends were African American, and I remember going head on with family, outsiders , and defending my rights and the rights of others.
I was in high school , whenever I witnessed a bully picking on someone , I was right there, yes sometimes it became physical but to me , you can do what you want, I won't stay quiet. I joined many groups as a teenager, against big corporate America, I joined Peta since I was also a vegetarian back then, I join feminist groups... you name it lol.
So when I joined the Christian cult , yes at times I did struggle with the mind control and damn I just wanted to fit in lol, but 80% of the time I was studying to show how wrong they were, I was forming womens groups where other women in this cult could come vent and see the madness they were living in. Even if they didn't leave, I know my words made them think long and hard. I was always questioning people there, making them think. I was labeled , I was smeared, I really didn't care.
Here I am today and yes I use social media as a platform for speaking my views, but is that enough? I am coming to the realization that I was created this way for a reason, hell who knows, maybe I was an big activist in my past lives, speaking out against the horrors of humanity. I know that I have tried to stay quiet and peaceful. So many have tried to make me seem dramatic, or stirring the pot because I can't stick my head in the sand and just live a life for myself. I actually detest others who can easily do that. If you are in a position right now where you are 1. white 2. living in America 3. not living in total poverty or strung out etc, then how?? how can you rest at night? How can you wake up each day and only think of yourself? You get up each day and all you think about is you, how will you be successful? How do you feel? What can you do for you? ugh! This world is falling apart. I am in no way saying to live in fear, or to go around hating others. You are free to be your selfish self , to take all you can get out of this Capitalist Corporate America who has no interest in you, who is not looking out for your best , you are cattle. America is the best human farm we have. You are bred the same way cattle are on a farm, they use to for their profit, they make you think you have what little freedoms they offer, you are brainwashed into thinking all you see is all there is. What a shame.
Then some get this idea and they are all " oh we have it so good, we are so free, Jesus gives us abundance", seriously? You think the way the world is , that it is freedom? You are forced to live in the confinements they place on you and you think that is as good as it gets. Even if the system worked for me, even if I bought into the illusion that all life is about is the junk the media and internet places in front of me, a big house , a few nice cars, I can vacation, I can have materialistic things, send my kids to the best school so they can join this rat race too... I would still not be okay with the system and how it keeps the poor down and works for the 1%.
This illusion does not appeal to me at all, real freedom does, a world where we get to do what we were meant to do. Live on this land equally that we all have a right to. Not pay big banks to live in their homes, on the governments land! To be able to chose how I live, If I want to go build a house on some land and not hook up to big utility government run corporations, I should be able to , grow my own food etc. Nope, not anymore! This is not allowed anymore. You are forced to live their illusion that only benefits them. As far as the way other humans are treated, yeah it makes me sick so many bury their heads in the sand. Other races, addicts, the poor, the media makes you believe they are the enemy.
I know this fire in me burns for a reason and I know it is time for me to do something. Focusing on trying to have the best life inside this false reality is something I have never been good at, brainwashing is real and I hope many more wake up. I read something recently and it said, I don't fear the guys with the funny mustaches or crazy hair, I fear the millions of blind, brainwashed average people that put them in power. What so many fail to see is when we stop living their false reality and we the people demand things change, they will. We are the puppets but we can cut the strings.
So I am studying and learning all I can about politics, corporations, reading up on Marx, I am putting together a plan of action, I refuse to live this placid life. If it means living the life of a minimalist and not feeding corporate America then I will to the best of my ability. If it means speaking out at every chance, then I will, if it means blogging, writing, whatever , I will. The time is here for change, it will happen for or against us, I will not get to the end of my life and regret doing nothing. I will live this life to the fullest , in MY own way, and fighting for others as well.
I was in high school , whenever I witnessed a bully picking on someone , I was right there, yes sometimes it became physical but to me , you can do what you want, I won't stay quiet. I joined many groups as a teenager, against big corporate America, I joined Peta since I was also a vegetarian back then, I join feminist groups... you name it lol.
So when I joined the Christian cult , yes at times I did struggle with the mind control and damn I just wanted to fit in lol, but 80% of the time I was studying to show how wrong they were, I was forming womens groups where other women in this cult could come vent and see the madness they were living in. Even if they didn't leave, I know my words made them think long and hard. I was always questioning people there, making them think. I was labeled , I was smeared, I really didn't care.
Here I am today and yes I use social media as a platform for speaking my views, but is that enough? I am coming to the realization that I was created this way for a reason, hell who knows, maybe I was an big activist in my past lives, speaking out against the horrors of humanity. I know that I have tried to stay quiet and peaceful. So many have tried to make me seem dramatic, or stirring the pot because I can't stick my head in the sand and just live a life for myself. I actually detest others who can easily do that. If you are in a position right now where you are 1. white 2. living in America 3. not living in total poverty or strung out etc, then how?? how can you rest at night? How can you wake up each day and only think of yourself? You get up each day and all you think about is you, how will you be successful? How do you feel? What can you do for you? ugh! This world is falling apart. I am in no way saying to live in fear, or to go around hating others. You are free to be your selfish self , to take all you can get out of this Capitalist Corporate America who has no interest in you, who is not looking out for your best , you are cattle. America is the best human farm we have. You are bred the same way cattle are on a farm, they use to for their profit, they make you think you have what little freedoms they offer, you are brainwashed into thinking all you see is all there is. What a shame.
Then some get this idea and they are all " oh we have it so good, we are so free, Jesus gives us abundance", seriously? You think the way the world is , that it is freedom? You are forced to live in the confinements they place on you and you think that is as good as it gets. Even if the system worked for me, even if I bought into the illusion that all life is about is the junk the media and internet places in front of me, a big house , a few nice cars, I can vacation, I can have materialistic things, send my kids to the best school so they can join this rat race too... I would still not be okay with the system and how it keeps the poor down and works for the 1%.
This illusion does not appeal to me at all, real freedom does, a world where we get to do what we were meant to do. Live on this land equally that we all have a right to. Not pay big banks to live in their homes, on the governments land! To be able to chose how I live, If I want to go build a house on some land and not hook up to big utility government run corporations, I should be able to , grow my own food etc. Nope, not anymore! This is not allowed anymore. You are forced to live their illusion that only benefits them. As far as the way other humans are treated, yeah it makes me sick so many bury their heads in the sand. Other races, addicts, the poor, the media makes you believe they are the enemy.
I know this fire in me burns for a reason and I know it is time for me to do something. Focusing on trying to have the best life inside this false reality is something I have never been good at, brainwashing is real and I hope many more wake up. I read something recently and it said, I don't fear the guys with the funny mustaches or crazy hair, I fear the millions of blind, brainwashed average people that put them in power. What so many fail to see is when we stop living their false reality and we the people demand things change, they will. We are the puppets but we can cut the strings.
So I am studying and learning all I can about politics, corporations, reading up on Marx, I am putting together a plan of action, I refuse to live this placid life. If it means living the life of a minimalist and not feeding corporate America then I will to the best of my ability. If it means speaking out at every chance, then I will, if it means blogging, writing, whatever , I will. The time is here for change, it will happen for or against us, I will not get to the end of my life and regret doing nothing. I will live this life to the fullest , in MY own way, and fighting for others as well.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
From within
I have taken about a 10 day hide a way, sometimes deep change is needed and to face the demons inside is not easy. So yesterday I felt so much better and thought okay it is time to get with it again. Stop letting each day go by keeping all your ideas, dreams, creativity inside. Today I was driving home from my daily dropping kids off at school, I was talking out loud to my angels, the god and goddess .. I couldn't shake this irritation, this nagging sadness. I asked to see, please let me see.
By the time I got in the door , I went to my altar , I was still speaking, I pulled cards that showed some guidance, instead of gratitude I still have this lingering feeling of discontent. This has happened to me two other times in my life and when it does it totally changes me ( for the good) . All of the sudden these memories start flashing through my mind, someone is speaking to me , showing me so much all at once, the tears start to flow. It is this huge overwhelming feeling of gratitude and feeling sorry for my actions. I was again shown me. I was able to see again how I allowed myself to bring my life to where it ended up. What does this do? It allows you to realize that you do create your reality. It lets me see where my hate, pride, control effected others and that in turn effected my life in a negative way.
This lightbulb goes off, the clouds clear away, and I am overflowing with gratitude, gratitude that I can see, that I now have the tools to change and not keep creating the painful things I claim to despise. No more putting up a fake wall and then behind the scene hating myself and everything. It causes you to be as real and human as you can be. Some would never admit this, yet I know how amazing it is to catch a glimpse of yourself and know that you are the cause for your own demise. It is so damn easy to point outward, to blame outside of you and look outside of you for the remedy.
That will not get you anywhere. Spiritual bypassing won't do either. Just by diving into a religion ( you can do it in any religion) will not change you or heal you. The problem is people do not want go deep inside, they would rather bypass the hard work and just throw out some bible verses or some cliché saying. They would rather live blind, still have the same demons seething right under the surface but use positive thinking, jesus, yoga or whatever to cover them
up and keep going. Oh friend they will not go away just because you can say positive affirmations, or recite bible verses.
This is why when I get to this place I can either sit in self pity or I can be so grateful for this opportunity to change and grow. The thing I am most grateful is knowing I could have made some really awful choices while my ego was raging , I almost threw away the most important things in my life because I thought they were not worthy of me anymore, how sick is that ?? If I would have given up and ran away , I would not be experiencing the amazing life I have now, it has turned out to be the best thing in my life and brings me the most joy, yet I was so wrapped up in myself , my ego, and trying to grasp for happiness outside of myself I almost threw it away.
So today I just have to say let the light shine inward. Whatever demons come up, don't deny them, don't run in fear, accept them and just be willing to change. Then have gratitude you were able to see. We are all spirits in these bodies , sadly we all have pain bodies full of shit , yet they are here to help us on this journey so don't ignore them. Allow them to guide you and to help you grow. The thing about me that so many hate is I am an open book, I don't hide my demons, and when I see the shit in me I love when it comes to the light, I love calling it out and saying adios. I have known for years the deep transformation that follows. I did have to realize though that you don't reach a goal in this matter while in this body lol. I thought the first time was it, I felt on top of the world. I stopped, I stopped being grateful, I started to again expect others to be and do something great for me, when they failed I went down hard. So, I will always remember this day just like the other two I was able to experience.
Whatever you are feeling today just ask to see what is really lying under it? Emotions are there to guide us, they are like our built in alarm system to say " hey something is a miss in you and you really need to check it out", yet we usually just look at the emotion most present and go with that. If you are sad, you just focus on that surface alarm. The sadness is there to show you something inside, something deeper that needs your attention. It could be a thought you had, an action you did that was out of alignment.. Just don't keep ignoring it.
Well friends , I am off for whatever adventure lies ahead on this day, have a great day!
Love, light, and blessings to you.
Shawna Marrie
By the time I got in the door , I went to my altar , I was still speaking, I pulled cards that showed some guidance, instead of gratitude I still have this lingering feeling of discontent. This has happened to me two other times in my life and when it does it totally changes me ( for the good) . All of the sudden these memories start flashing through my mind, someone is speaking to me , showing me so much all at once, the tears start to flow. It is this huge overwhelming feeling of gratitude and feeling sorry for my actions. I was again shown me. I was able to see again how I allowed myself to bring my life to where it ended up. What does this do? It allows you to realize that you do create your reality. It lets me see where my hate, pride, control effected others and that in turn effected my life in a negative way.
This lightbulb goes off, the clouds clear away, and I am overflowing with gratitude, gratitude that I can see, that I now have the tools to change and not keep creating the painful things I claim to despise. No more putting up a fake wall and then behind the scene hating myself and everything. It causes you to be as real and human as you can be. Some would never admit this, yet I know how amazing it is to catch a glimpse of yourself and know that you are the cause for your own demise. It is so damn easy to point outward, to blame outside of you and look outside of you for the remedy.
That will not get you anywhere. Spiritual bypassing won't do either. Just by diving into a religion ( you can do it in any religion) will not change you or heal you. The problem is people do not want go deep inside, they would rather bypass the hard work and just throw out some bible verses or some cliché saying. They would rather live blind, still have the same demons seething right under the surface but use positive thinking, jesus, yoga or whatever to cover them
up and keep going. Oh friend they will not go away just because you can say positive affirmations, or recite bible verses.
This is why when I get to this place I can either sit in self pity or I can be so grateful for this opportunity to change and grow. The thing I am most grateful is knowing I could have made some really awful choices while my ego was raging , I almost threw away the most important things in my life because I thought they were not worthy of me anymore, how sick is that ?? If I would have given up and ran away , I would not be experiencing the amazing life I have now, it has turned out to be the best thing in my life and brings me the most joy, yet I was so wrapped up in myself , my ego, and trying to grasp for happiness outside of myself I almost threw it away.
So today I just have to say let the light shine inward. Whatever demons come up, don't deny them, don't run in fear, accept them and just be willing to change. Then have gratitude you were able to see. We are all spirits in these bodies , sadly we all have pain bodies full of shit , yet they are here to help us on this journey so don't ignore them. Allow them to guide you and to help you grow. The thing about me that so many hate is I am an open book, I don't hide my demons, and when I see the shit in me I love when it comes to the light, I love calling it out and saying adios. I have known for years the deep transformation that follows. I did have to realize though that you don't reach a goal in this matter while in this body lol. I thought the first time was it, I felt on top of the world. I stopped, I stopped being grateful, I started to again expect others to be and do something great for me, when they failed I went down hard. So, I will always remember this day just like the other two I was able to experience.
Whatever you are feeling today just ask to see what is really lying under it? Emotions are there to guide us, they are like our built in alarm system to say " hey something is a miss in you and you really need to check it out", yet we usually just look at the emotion most present and go with that. If you are sad, you just focus on that surface alarm. The sadness is there to show you something inside, something deeper that needs your attention. It could be a thought you had, an action you did that was out of alignment.. Just don't keep ignoring it.
Well friends , I am off for whatever adventure lies ahead on this day, have a great day!
Love, light, and blessings to you.
Shawna Marrie
Friday, February 19, 2016
Alan Watts is where it's at !!
I have something amazing for you all on this beautiful Friday. If you have ever or still do question religion, what you believe?? Do you need a real historical worldview of Christianity?? Please go listen to this video on YouTube, Alan Watts on Jesus and Christianity. It is exactly what my long, deep studies have led me to believe . It makes you step out of your box and the little worldview you have been given only based on your environment. It is awesome! Thank you goddess for people like Alan Watts who actually studied for years and years all religion and were strong enough to think outside of this western culture. You won't be disappointed!
Have a great weekend!!
Have a great weekend!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Valentines, parenting, and more oh my!
I am back, It has been a few days, we had a lot going on ( did I mention I have 5 kids?). This weekend was full, I had a group at my home Friday night with meditation, healing work, card readings, a house full of kids running around, my daughters boyfriend sort of took residence ( she is 15 and NO I don't mean staying the night lol just hanging out with us). I had a family valentines party with a ton of sweets and good food. It was just what I love, a house full of people soaking up the love, eating good food, and having fun. I hope your heart day was great too! I'm not one to be all mushy because love should be celebrated everyday , but I am happy to say my gift from hubby is a new tattoo I will be getting in a couple hours, sweet huh!!
My ADD is kicking into gear so let me get back on track , so many things I want to write about but I need to organize my brain! I have an open letter to single moms, a budget meal plan to share for those with a large family who are vegetarians like us, Tim Leary, Ram Dass , and Eckhart Toll have my mind in high gear! I will however limit this post to love, and parenting, you are welcome :)
I see you out there, I see you struggling to make it through the day. Somewhere along the way this very wrong victim idea took over Maybe it was not feeling loved or seen as a child? Maybe it was a traumatic event that you took upon yourself and it has turned against you, causing you to hate yourself. I see you at the brink of the abyss, then you run away. You use your god as a coping tool, similar to an addiction. Anything to lessen the load, to help you feel love and self worth, the victim always needs a savior, yet how will ever stand on your own feet when you engulf yourself in the lies that you are so unworthy, you swallow the poison that you can't do anything, be anything without someone doing it for you. You can't love you but you feel okay in only getting relief from a guy in the sky??
When did you believe this lie? When did you fall into this trap and heed the words of others that are sick too?? You have the ability in you to move mountains, you are made of the same stuff as the moon and stars, why can't you love you? You are worthy, you are not broken, you are not a victim and you are god, you are made of god. Fully capable, fully reliable. Remember that our words are our bond, we have to live what we speak into creation, the scary part is others are also being effected by words. If you listen to the words of others and let it create a world for you where you a hopeless, helpless victim, friend you will be trapped.
We seek a god, we seek a human. In fact the one thing we should strive for in any relationship is this idea that we think we know who we are, we think we know who others are ( we only look at ego) and then we say "you can do this for me, I will do this for you and we will be happy. This is a trap , you get sucked in and it is a war of ego. Now, we also have the giver receiver mentality, the giver is usually getting rewards in feelings, then they are also usually enabling to receiver in some way. Their is a way to be, where we are self sufficient and we can just hold space for others, no givers, no receivers, we hold space for each other. When we can just sit and be, listen with heart, no judging, no labels and both with the realization that to be anything more is to sink into ego. This is the same mentality with god, some are such victims that their god just keeps enabling them, instead of all the false feelings they gain, they are actually restricted from finding real life, real purpose, and freedom.
Love is so much more that what we humans can fathom. It is not ego, it isn't just a feeling, it isn't being a giver or receiver, it isn't feeling worthless so that some god can give you false security. Love is letting go, love is the detachment and pure beauty for everything and everyone. This deep gratitude for everyone and everything. Knowing pure love is beating through all of us and we are all connected by this love. It is freedom, without restrictions, it is saying you be you , you find yourself and I will hold this space for you expecting nothing in return.
Now where does this come into parenting? Let me tell you a little of my experience. I was originally taught under a Christian mentality that as parents you are to totally control your children. That they have no clue what is best, they are too naive and the devil will snatch them up if you aren't a hawk over them at all times. Then if they try to push these very stern, structured, controlled life, well you beat them into submission, you "break their wills". It is sick and luckily I could never harm my children , then got away from a crazy ex along with his family who had lived this way many years. Children are built in with an inner guidance system. They do everything at a fast rate without our help at all, they live inside water for 9 months, they come through the birth process, they learn to sit, crawl, walk, eat, and a million things by age 5. Then we have the audacity to think they become stupid and we need to be their god. It is when real love comes in that we can bypass this ... Stay tuned for part two when I give some personal experience in the life of parenting 5 kids.
So much love, light, and blessings to you!!
Shawna Marrie
My ADD is kicking into gear so let me get back on track , so many things I want to write about but I need to organize my brain! I have an open letter to single moms, a budget meal plan to share for those with a large family who are vegetarians like us, Tim Leary, Ram Dass , and Eckhart Toll have my mind in high gear! I will however limit this post to love, and parenting, you are welcome :)
I see you out there, I see you struggling to make it through the day. Somewhere along the way this very wrong victim idea took over Maybe it was not feeling loved or seen as a child? Maybe it was a traumatic event that you took upon yourself and it has turned against you, causing you to hate yourself. I see you at the brink of the abyss, then you run away. You use your god as a coping tool, similar to an addiction. Anything to lessen the load, to help you feel love and self worth, the victim always needs a savior, yet how will ever stand on your own feet when you engulf yourself in the lies that you are so unworthy, you swallow the poison that you can't do anything, be anything without someone doing it for you. You can't love you but you feel okay in only getting relief from a guy in the sky??
When did you believe this lie? When did you fall into this trap and heed the words of others that are sick too?? You have the ability in you to move mountains, you are made of the same stuff as the moon and stars, why can't you love you? You are worthy, you are not broken, you are not a victim and you are god, you are made of god. Fully capable, fully reliable. Remember that our words are our bond, we have to live what we speak into creation, the scary part is others are also being effected by words. If you listen to the words of others and let it create a world for you where you a hopeless, helpless victim, friend you will be trapped.
We seek a god, we seek a human. In fact the one thing we should strive for in any relationship is this idea that we think we know who we are, we think we know who others are ( we only look at ego) and then we say "you can do this for me, I will do this for you and we will be happy. This is a trap , you get sucked in and it is a war of ego. Now, we also have the giver receiver mentality, the giver is usually getting rewards in feelings, then they are also usually enabling to receiver in some way. Their is a way to be, where we are self sufficient and we can just hold space for others, no givers, no receivers, we hold space for each other. When we can just sit and be, listen with heart, no judging, no labels and both with the realization that to be anything more is to sink into ego. This is the same mentality with god, some are such victims that their god just keeps enabling them, instead of all the false feelings they gain, they are actually restricted from finding real life, real purpose, and freedom.
Love is so much more that what we humans can fathom. It is not ego, it isn't just a feeling, it isn't being a giver or receiver, it isn't feeling worthless so that some god can give you false security. Love is letting go, love is the detachment and pure beauty for everything and everyone. This deep gratitude for everyone and everything. Knowing pure love is beating through all of us and we are all connected by this love. It is freedom, without restrictions, it is saying you be you , you find yourself and I will hold this space for you expecting nothing in return.
Now where does this come into parenting? Let me tell you a little of my experience. I was originally taught under a Christian mentality that as parents you are to totally control your children. That they have no clue what is best, they are too naive and the devil will snatch them up if you aren't a hawk over them at all times. Then if they try to push these very stern, structured, controlled life, well you beat them into submission, you "break their wills". It is sick and luckily I could never harm my children , then got away from a crazy ex along with his family who had lived this way many years. Children are built in with an inner guidance system. They do everything at a fast rate without our help at all, they live inside water for 9 months, they come through the birth process, they learn to sit, crawl, walk, eat, and a million things by age 5. Then we have the audacity to think they become stupid and we need to be their god. It is when real love comes in that we can bypass this ... Stay tuned for part two when I give some personal experience in the life of parenting 5 kids.
So much love, light, and blessings to you!!
Shawna Marrie
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Meet Up!
Hello beautiful people! Wanted to let you all know I now have a Meet Up group! It is called Archeologist of the soul sessions. It is mainly for women but I decided to have 2 a month, one for women and one coed. I know how important it is to have a tribe, even though I am a Leo and very independent, I always have one super close friend, and a lot of "friends" but I am not a clingy getting super attached person... Yet, I know we all need someone, and it is awesome to be part of a community.
We will have guided meditation, a discussion on a topic, tarot/oracle card readings, mini healing sessions, mini past life sessions, cutting soul ties sessions, astrology stuff like reading our birth charts, moon rituals, and so much more! The main thing is to encourage, love, and help each other grow. To create a very trusting loving , safe place for us to learn together and open up, most of all heal together.
If you are local and would like to join please do!! If you know anyone that would like to join please invite them as well!!
Thanks!
Shawna Marrie
We will have guided meditation, a discussion on a topic, tarot/oracle card readings, mini healing sessions, mini past life sessions, cutting soul ties sessions, astrology stuff like reading our birth charts, moon rituals, and so much more! The main thing is to encourage, love, and help each other grow. To create a very trusting loving , safe place for us to learn together and open up, most of all heal together.
If you are local and would like to join please do!! If you know anyone that would like to join please invite them as well!!
Thanks!
Shawna Marrie
Just a quick thought...
I'm waiting for my daughter to get out of school, listening to different uplifting videos.. Everything from Tim Leary to Eckhart Toll. One thing that stuck out was if you fight life it will fight you back. Now when you get off track you can usher in so much religious junk that can blind you even further from the core issue.
See I am a Leo and my rising sign is Taurus. That's a lot of stubborn lol. When I decided to stop fighting, to stop engaging in others madness.. The one thing I still refuse to do is run back like a dog with my tail between my legs, with false humility, making it again seem " I am the one who is wrong, or who got off track, or who needed to get straighten out ".. See when people who are blind, then use what's blinding them to hate you, its a mess! I will not enable others, I will not engage their minds to think my choices are wrong and theirs are right. Its honestly irrelevant who is right or wrong because it doesn't exist!
What does exist is the illusion of control people try to hold over others heads so they will conform.
I won't play that game. See I love my life, choices, everything.. I love these people who throw Jesus around like a game ( poor guy he can't catch a break) I find it sad that instead of loving them and letting them reject or accept ( you can't control that) some just run back in fear, false humility, and give the impression they were the guilty party for daring to live their own life, think for them self, or gasp... Believe different. So in short I will love, I will not engage, but if I can't be accepted for me.. Bye Felicia! No more fake, no more fear, no more lies!
See I am a Leo and my rising sign is Taurus. That's a lot of stubborn lol. When I decided to stop fighting, to stop engaging in others madness.. The one thing I still refuse to do is run back like a dog with my tail between my legs, with false humility, making it again seem " I am the one who is wrong, or who got off track, or who needed to get straighten out ".. See when people who are blind, then use what's blinding them to hate you, its a mess! I will not enable others, I will not engage their minds to think my choices are wrong and theirs are right. Its honestly irrelevant who is right or wrong because it doesn't exist!
What does exist is the illusion of control people try to hold over others heads so they will conform.
I won't play that game. See I love my life, choices, everything.. I love these people who throw Jesus around like a game ( poor guy he can't catch a break) I find it sad that instead of loving them and letting them reject or accept ( you can't control that) some just run back in fear, false humility, and give the impression they were the guilty party for daring to live their own life, think for them self, or gasp... Believe different. So in short I will love, I will not engage, but if I can't be accepted for me.. Bye Felicia! No more fake, no more fear, no more lies!
Sunday, February 7, 2016
TRUST
I went to a group meeting today. I did not agree with everything there, but I did meet some very sincere people.. The topic for discussion was trust. I heard stories of victory, where people were pushed to their limits, they were so stressed, worried, and finally at their breaking point. They had to throw their hands up and say to whatever higher power they believe in " I give up, I can't do this anymore, I can't figure it out so here ya go". I heard stories of people needing a place to move by a certain date, everything was going wrong, it came down to the very last day, within hours and the deal came through. One lady who is from Africa was forced by war to live in a refugee camp, the gorilla militia groups had found the camps, and as she put it, they were gunning people down like swatting flies. She said she had this conversation " I know I have my inner guide always with me, always guiding me, but tonight Mahanta ( their term for the highest state of god consciousness) I need to see you, I need to see with my eyes that you are really here and you will protect me.
She said she was so afraid and shaking that it exhausted her so by night fall all the people were quiet, the kids stopped crying and she closed her eyes.
She opened them just a little and she said there was Mahanta, standing right there at the foot of her bed. She was still too scared to move so she closed her eyes , through the night she would open them and there stood Mahanta watching over her. She said she looked at the clock on her wrist and will never forget it was 5:30 am when she finally sat up and said " you really did come to protect me", he answered " of course I did and now you can believe" . She of course made it out of there alive and now resides in Louisville KY USA.
My jaw was wide open as I listened to all these stories , I realized I had a ton of stories since birth I could tell as well. I could write a book on trusting in your higher self and the divine , the miracles that will manifest. See worry really does no good, it is a human thing We rush around, we think we have to worry, figure things out, stress out, in reality we don't . My mentor says to me all the time, " if you knew who walked beside you , you would never fear". That is so true. If we could see we are good, we have so much to offer, the universe is good, and it is for us, we wouldn't worry , we would really live. I think of all the time wasted worrying for nothing, yes hind sight is 20/20, but I hope that I am catching on to the memo here lol. After so many miracles when will we get it?
I am learning still to trust on deeper and deeper levels. I laugh about what my past life must have been, because this life has been full of close calls that drive me to worry and then miracles always happen, I have never been without, those worst case scenarios never happen. Right now I am in a position where I am trying to get my business going, and most of my audience are people that left the crazy cult church with me , but are still so bound in fear they really have no clue how to open their minds. Instead of all that love and acceptance they read in their Bibles they have shut me out and I am now labeled a satan worshipper, or as my own Mother In Law put it in one of their secret Facebook groups " Shawna has went to the dark side and is evil, she has taken my son and grandkids and is brainwashing them, poisoning their minds".. It makes me LOL, but these people call themselves Christians lol. I could do so many things out of a place of fear. I could run back and claim I again believe the same as them , yet keeping my inner beliefs quiet, just to have friends, to have an audience, for more people to read my blog, to come to my groups, to like my facebook post. Thankfully I am not that desperate yet lol.
See, really non of it matters. I fully trust that when I follow my hearts passion and desire, when I am giving it my best, that it will work out beautifully. It might not be right now, but it will. If I run off in fear and compromise who I am , what I believe, and give into the pressure what am I really gaining? I might have fake friends, I might have hundreds of Facebook likes, a full meet up, but I will loose myself and be back at square one.
So my point is at sometime we have to let go and trust in whatever higher power we believe in. When we try to figure it out, or do things to try and make it better , most of the time we make a bigger mess. Even if it feels like it is coming to the end and something has to give, hold on a little longer. I have an issue with thinking I have to figure everything out. When my husband was switching jobs fear hit me, I was like okay well I can keep babysitting ( even though I was miserable with it) , we can give blood, I can borrow money blah blah blah.. Shane had to stop and remind me , no, we wont be doing anything out of fear . Then my mentor let me know, you let go of it, you surrender it, speak your intentions and then stop! The term trying to figure it out in itself is madness. Trying means enduring hardship, figure is like a figure 8 that goes on and on , getting nowhere, and what the hell is "it" anyways . So trust is the key. Without it we are a mess.
I know one thing for sure I am ready to get it, I want to be at the place where when something pops up, I know without that it will all work out, that the universe is for me, and I have no reason to fear. This is my prayer for you as well friend.
So much love, light, and blessings to you!'
Shawna Marrie
She said she was so afraid and shaking that it exhausted her so by night fall all the people were quiet, the kids stopped crying and she closed her eyes.
She opened them just a little and she said there was Mahanta, standing right there at the foot of her bed. She was still too scared to move so she closed her eyes , through the night she would open them and there stood Mahanta watching over her. She said she looked at the clock on her wrist and will never forget it was 5:30 am when she finally sat up and said " you really did come to protect me", he answered " of course I did and now you can believe" . She of course made it out of there alive and now resides in Louisville KY USA.
My jaw was wide open as I listened to all these stories , I realized I had a ton of stories since birth I could tell as well. I could write a book on trusting in your higher self and the divine , the miracles that will manifest. See worry really does no good, it is a human thing We rush around, we think we have to worry, figure things out, stress out, in reality we don't . My mentor says to me all the time, " if you knew who walked beside you , you would never fear". That is so true. If we could see we are good, we have so much to offer, the universe is good, and it is for us, we wouldn't worry , we would really live. I think of all the time wasted worrying for nothing, yes hind sight is 20/20, but I hope that I am catching on to the memo here lol. After so many miracles when will we get it?
I am learning still to trust on deeper and deeper levels. I laugh about what my past life must have been, because this life has been full of close calls that drive me to worry and then miracles always happen, I have never been without, those worst case scenarios never happen. Right now I am in a position where I am trying to get my business going, and most of my audience are people that left the crazy cult church with me , but are still so bound in fear they really have no clue how to open their minds. Instead of all that love and acceptance they read in their Bibles they have shut me out and I am now labeled a satan worshipper, or as my own Mother In Law put it in one of their secret Facebook groups " Shawna has went to the dark side and is evil, she has taken my son and grandkids and is brainwashing them, poisoning their minds".. It makes me LOL, but these people call themselves Christians lol. I could do so many things out of a place of fear. I could run back and claim I again believe the same as them , yet keeping my inner beliefs quiet, just to have friends, to have an audience, for more people to read my blog, to come to my groups, to like my facebook post. Thankfully I am not that desperate yet lol.
See, really non of it matters. I fully trust that when I follow my hearts passion and desire, when I am giving it my best, that it will work out beautifully. It might not be right now, but it will. If I run off in fear and compromise who I am , what I believe, and give into the pressure what am I really gaining? I might have fake friends, I might have hundreds of Facebook likes, a full meet up, but I will loose myself and be back at square one.
So my point is at sometime we have to let go and trust in whatever higher power we believe in. When we try to figure it out, or do things to try and make it better , most of the time we make a bigger mess. Even if it feels like it is coming to the end and something has to give, hold on a little longer. I have an issue with thinking I have to figure everything out. When my husband was switching jobs fear hit me, I was like okay well I can keep babysitting ( even though I was miserable with it) , we can give blood, I can borrow money blah blah blah.. Shane had to stop and remind me , no, we wont be doing anything out of fear . Then my mentor let me know, you let go of it, you surrender it, speak your intentions and then stop! The term trying to figure it out in itself is madness. Trying means enduring hardship, figure is like a figure 8 that goes on and on , getting nowhere, and what the hell is "it" anyways . So trust is the key. Without it we are a mess.
I know one thing for sure I am ready to get it, I want to be at the place where when something pops up, I know without that it will all work out, that the universe is for me, and I have no reason to fear. This is my prayer for you as well friend.
So much love, light, and blessings to you!'
Shawna Marrie
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Human
I am only human, now that song is in your head hahaha! Seriously, I am just human, today I will thoroughly enjoy being a human. I don't have to do anything if I don't want to, I get to make the choice t do whatever I love, to do whatever the hell I want and only I have that say. I get to do all the amazing things humans can do, like share, connect, love. I can lay in bed all day, I can go sit in a field and just be, I can go buy fresh fruit and flowers because those things make me happy, I can listen to amazing music that lifts my soul. SO may things we take for granted , or worse that act like are out of our reach. " I can't do that " , "I have to go work all day" , "I have to take care of kids", " I don't have the money" ... These are all lies I told myself for way too long.
So today as I had a shouting match with fear in my kitchen telling it to fuck off and letting it know I am not the same , and rubbing in it's face that this is my life and I have no room for it anymore, I also realized all these wonderful truths. I make my choices, and I can do whatever the hell makes me happy.
Fear tried to grip me early by saying, I have to stress about this bill, I have to rush and do this and that, I have to clean my house.. That is when the shouting started. Then I allowed the truth to set in deep. Now I have reggae music up full blast, I am dancing crazy with my pets, and I am loving freedom. I had to stop and share because you too my friend can say fuck you fear, and do whatever the hell it is that makes you happy and free. This life was made for so much more than living in fear and just living. I will NOT join the walking dead. Did you ever wonder why all these zombie shows etc as of the past few years?? What manifest is what's going on inside of us. Too many of us are the walking dead, hating life, just surviving, just roaming around already dead because we are too scared to really live. Friend do not do it, do not let the fucking zombies bite you!!
I got your back! I will help fight the fuckers off, just stop, take in a deep breath (outside is best and it is so beautiful today) and tell yourself I am free, I will choose to be happy, then say fuck you fear!
Now go have a great fucking day!! love yourself, love others and BE FREE !!
I gotta get back to my dance party, the kitty and puppy miss my smooth dance moves.
So much love, light, and blessings to you !!
Shawna Marrie
So today as I had a shouting match with fear in my kitchen telling it to fuck off and letting it know I am not the same , and rubbing in it's face that this is my life and I have no room for it anymore, I also realized all these wonderful truths. I make my choices, and I can do whatever the hell makes me happy.
Fear tried to grip me early by saying, I have to stress about this bill, I have to rush and do this and that, I have to clean my house.. That is when the shouting started. Then I allowed the truth to set in deep. Now I have reggae music up full blast, I am dancing crazy with my pets, and I am loving freedom. I had to stop and share because you too my friend can say fuck you fear, and do whatever the hell it is that makes you happy and free. This life was made for so much more than living in fear and just living. I will NOT join the walking dead. Did you ever wonder why all these zombie shows etc as of the past few years?? What manifest is what's going on inside of us. Too many of us are the walking dead, hating life, just surviving, just roaming around already dead because we are too scared to really live. Friend do not do it, do not let the fucking zombies bite you!!
I got your back! I will help fight the fuckers off, just stop, take in a deep breath (outside is best and it is so beautiful today) and tell yourself I am free, I will choose to be happy, then say fuck you fear!
Now go have a great fucking day!! love yourself, love others and BE FREE !!
I gotta get back to my dance party, the kitty and puppy miss my smooth dance moves.
So much love, light, and blessings to you !!
Shawna Marrie
Monday, February 1, 2016
One word topic . Guilt. That nasty creature.
Guilt. We have all experienced it some point in life, hell some of us live with this each day and may not remember a time it wasn't lurking waiting to dog it's ugly claws in. I can say I have lived with guilt and shame for a long long time. My husband and I both experienced some pretty awful things as children, it is crazy how you may not even realize at that moment, as an innocent child , to cope with something traumatic you have to do something, since children are narcissistic in nature due to everything revolving around them, they will blame themselves internally to make sense of things. Now, you might grow up and think oh I never think about any of those situations that caused guilt/shame so therefore it doesn't effect me, yet, in all areas it has REALLY effected you.
Before I get into where in our society we have created this guilt /shame syndrome to be even worse, I want to say this is a huge reason the false Christian doctrine is so at fault . It has helped shaped our more recent western civilization , when the explorers stumbled upon this land, they brought with it a very twisted , violent, controlling religion with them. They brought not anything to do with the real Jesus , the man who walked this earth as a human trying to get others to see that too as humans can attain the very same things as him. We are all god in our own right. All of the sudden this religion forced upon the natives was full of the idea that humans were born bad and needed to be saved , it list all kinds of sins that humans should not do, oh and of course rules / regulations to live by. I am not talking about basic morals, even the ancient people knew that with knowledge and power, you have to have morals or there will be chaos.
So this religion has helped to shape the way most of us have grown up. The idea that there is something wrong with you ( now let me say that this is a human condition we gain after being socialized into a family, BUT if you add a religion like Christianity on top of this it is a disaster!!). We are raised in families, go to churches, schools, that all teach us we need to understand there is something wrong with us, we start to find flaws in ourselves and others as well. We sadly learn that we must be good so we can be loved, and the only way to be good is through punishment. We have a messed up punishment and reward system, that again you find stems from the Christian belief. If you confess how bad you are just because you were born, then you will be saved. You are punished for what someone else labels bad and then rewarded for what they claim is good.
This whole system is to make sure the individual will no longer need constant external punishment, because it all becomes inward. Take a child who is innocent and does something that his parents claim is bad, they punish and it feels like love is withdrawn. When he does good he is rewarded and they really love him. So now each time that child messes up, does something others label as wrong or bad he will tell himself he is bad, and unworthy of love, and needs to be punished. He will then punish himself internally. This happens all the time in religion but I have witnessed and experienced it in Christianity. So many go around self sabotaging, hating, and just awful towards themselves , all because they think this is god views them, so they view themselves that way, oh and then it spreads out like a disease , they start to spew it onto others. This mentality of I deserve what happens to me plays a huge role as well. Thinking oh well I am so bad, I only deserve bad, then you attract bad and claim this is somehow gods will.
You start to tell yourself you don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve love or anything good. Guilt is a form of self punishment and self abuse!! The emotion of guilt was created in all humans to let us know hey , I did something I do not want to repeat, it didn't align with my higher self , now I know through guilt that it's not something I enjoy or want to do again. What happens next is anger and regret keep you inside this prison of guilt. Guilt in itself serves no other purpose except what I listed above, it now turns into blame, self punishment, and self abuse.
I see so many people who once they get away from controlling situations, abuse, and even religions that have taught them this unhealthy way of punishment/reward, self hate, guilt, shame, they get a taste of freedom, yet the guilt of just living is too much. They can't handle it. They have been so conditioned their whole life about what is right and wrong, what you love about others and what you judge /hate , they can't do it. They run right back to the old ways, they are right back confessing to Jesus what an awful person they are etc. Really they are still hating themselves. No one is to judge what is right or wrong, we ourselves should not be judging like we do. We are to love and learn, be free, just be aware and mindful. The guilt ridden self hating mind can't do this. It will pick itself apart , then when they have cut themselves so much and can't handle the pain, they then go out and start judging/stabbing others. It is a sick, painful way to live. We can be free of the guilt placed on us by others, by situations, and ourselves.
The first step is realize what guilt is , what it does, and how it isn't serving you. Decide you are ready and willing to let go of guilt. Replace your belief that you deserve punishment ( hell , pain etc) no love, no happiness with the belief that you DO deserve happiness, love, etc. Only take responsibility for your part, you do not have to take on the guilt of something someone else did. You have to stop looking at the past and trying to change it in your mind. We can't change it and to keep going back and thinking of what we could have done different does no good in reality. Apologize to anyone you hurt in the past that you still feel guilt over. Even forgive yourself . Make a plan of how you will behave in the future, don't just hear things and let it go, really put to practice new ways of thinking and being.
Discover all assumptions and judgments your making in situations that cause you to feel guit. Remember guilt is the opposite of self love, so if you really want to start cutting down guilt at the roots you have to start self love! Listen to affirmation, or write your own, it is time to flip the script and it starts with love! Remember this as will guilt eating away at your life will continue to attract situations into your life that create more guilt!!!! Ever wonder why it gets out of control ? Why after that thing you did that you or someone labeled as bad all of the sudden you keep doing it, or other bad things?? ding ding ding!!!
It makes me sad to see so many run and hide after feeling exposed. They are breaking away trying to find freedom, they are living just experiencing life, but, those old lies that they were told start playing of how wrong they are, how bad they are, the guilt hits and self hate is out of control , so they run back to the only place they know, because yeah asking for forgivness to my make believe god will make me a good person now. If only they can see they are just continuing the cycle. It is ok. Go and live, make mistakes, make your own choices, stop hurting yourself and others. When you hate yourself you push everyone away. When you are judging you then you start to do it to everyone around you.
No matter if the guilt/shame is from something that happened to you, or if it is just a lifetime of being told how bad you are, how much you need to be saved, and ask to be forgiven.. You can change this. Please love you, know you deserve the best and that you are not a bad person for being you.
So much love , light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie
Before I get into where in our society we have created this guilt /shame syndrome to be even worse, I want to say this is a huge reason the false Christian doctrine is so at fault . It has helped shaped our more recent western civilization , when the explorers stumbled upon this land, they brought with it a very twisted , violent, controlling religion with them. They brought not anything to do with the real Jesus , the man who walked this earth as a human trying to get others to see that too as humans can attain the very same things as him. We are all god in our own right. All of the sudden this religion forced upon the natives was full of the idea that humans were born bad and needed to be saved , it list all kinds of sins that humans should not do, oh and of course rules / regulations to live by. I am not talking about basic morals, even the ancient people knew that with knowledge and power, you have to have morals or there will be chaos.
So this religion has helped to shape the way most of us have grown up. The idea that there is something wrong with you ( now let me say that this is a human condition we gain after being socialized into a family, BUT if you add a religion like Christianity on top of this it is a disaster!!). We are raised in families, go to churches, schools, that all teach us we need to understand there is something wrong with us, we start to find flaws in ourselves and others as well. We sadly learn that we must be good so we can be loved, and the only way to be good is through punishment. We have a messed up punishment and reward system, that again you find stems from the Christian belief. If you confess how bad you are just because you were born, then you will be saved. You are punished for what someone else labels bad and then rewarded for what they claim is good.
This whole system is to make sure the individual will no longer need constant external punishment, because it all becomes inward. Take a child who is innocent and does something that his parents claim is bad, they punish and it feels like love is withdrawn. When he does good he is rewarded and they really love him. So now each time that child messes up, does something others label as wrong or bad he will tell himself he is bad, and unworthy of love, and needs to be punished. He will then punish himself internally. This happens all the time in religion but I have witnessed and experienced it in Christianity. So many go around self sabotaging, hating, and just awful towards themselves , all because they think this is god views them, so they view themselves that way, oh and then it spreads out like a disease , they start to spew it onto others. This mentality of I deserve what happens to me plays a huge role as well. Thinking oh well I am so bad, I only deserve bad, then you attract bad and claim this is somehow gods will.
You start to tell yourself you don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve love or anything good. Guilt is a form of self punishment and self abuse!! The emotion of guilt was created in all humans to let us know hey , I did something I do not want to repeat, it didn't align with my higher self , now I know through guilt that it's not something I enjoy or want to do again. What happens next is anger and regret keep you inside this prison of guilt. Guilt in itself serves no other purpose except what I listed above, it now turns into blame, self punishment, and self abuse.
I see so many people who once they get away from controlling situations, abuse, and even religions that have taught them this unhealthy way of punishment/reward, self hate, guilt, shame, they get a taste of freedom, yet the guilt of just living is too much. They can't handle it. They have been so conditioned their whole life about what is right and wrong, what you love about others and what you judge /hate , they can't do it. They run right back to the old ways, they are right back confessing to Jesus what an awful person they are etc. Really they are still hating themselves. No one is to judge what is right or wrong, we ourselves should not be judging like we do. We are to love and learn, be free, just be aware and mindful. The guilt ridden self hating mind can't do this. It will pick itself apart , then when they have cut themselves so much and can't handle the pain, they then go out and start judging/stabbing others. It is a sick, painful way to live. We can be free of the guilt placed on us by others, by situations, and ourselves.
The first step is realize what guilt is , what it does, and how it isn't serving you. Decide you are ready and willing to let go of guilt. Replace your belief that you deserve punishment ( hell , pain etc) no love, no happiness with the belief that you DO deserve happiness, love, etc. Only take responsibility for your part, you do not have to take on the guilt of something someone else did. You have to stop looking at the past and trying to change it in your mind. We can't change it and to keep going back and thinking of what we could have done different does no good in reality. Apologize to anyone you hurt in the past that you still feel guilt over. Even forgive yourself . Make a plan of how you will behave in the future, don't just hear things and let it go, really put to practice new ways of thinking and being.
Discover all assumptions and judgments your making in situations that cause you to feel guit. Remember guilt is the opposite of self love, so if you really want to start cutting down guilt at the roots you have to start self love! Listen to affirmation, or write your own, it is time to flip the script and it starts with love! Remember this as will guilt eating away at your life will continue to attract situations into your life that create more guilt!!!! Ever wonder why it gets out of control ? Why after that thing you did that you or someone labeled as bad all of the sudden you keep doing it, or other bad things?? ding ding ding!!!
It makes me sad to see so many run and hide after feeling exposed. They are breaking away trying to find freedom, they are living just experiencing life, but, those old lies that they were told start playing of how wrong they are, how bad they are, the guilt hits and self hate is out of control , so they run back to the only place they know, because yeah asking for forgivness to my make believe god will make me a good person now. If only they can see they are just continuing the cycle. It is ok. Go and live, make mistakes, make your own choices, stop hurting yourself and others. When you hate yourself you push everyone away. When you are judging you then you start to do it to everyone around you.
No matter if the guilt/shame is from something that happened to you, or if it is just a lifetime of being told how bad you are, how much you need to be saved, and ask to be forgiven.. You can change this. Please love you, know you deserve the best and that you are not a bad person for being you.
So much love , light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie
Friday, January 29, 2016
We can all do something.
I didn't start this blog, or my journey deeper into my gifts to get rich, now maybe somewhere I have a money block lol, see I have never been about money or materialistic things. I am about love, connection, being connected to something big. If somehow the universe has taken that and I am still not rich, so be it. I mean yeah who doesn't have desires of money, freedom to do as you please, when you want, and no more worrying blah blah. Well, I trust the universe will always give me what I need and so far I have never ever been without, some close calls yeah, I have had the honor of learning the lesson of deep trust in something bigger than myself. You might say huh?? honor?? Yep. Anyone can trust in their riches and hold tight , I have an open hand saying yes universe more please, and I know I am guided, protected, and provided for, so I learn to say " fuck you fear".
The point of this is I do what I do to heal, to love, because it has been my deepest desire to help others. So no, I don't have the prettiest website, not many people read my blog, I don't make much money at what I do, yet I know it serves a higher purpose and I really don't care much about the rest. I hate messing with trying to organize Facebook post for my business page, or what will I talk about on Periscope, I would rather be sitting with someone in pain and helping then in any way I can.
So to you out there who may not feel like you can do anything help the world, maybe you go to a job you don't like, you don't get out much, your kids are you main social group. It is simple, just love. Be kind, have compassion, have empathy for others. Even if you feel shitty, or broken, whatever state you are in, when you open up and give, pour into another, you are changing more than your eyes can see.
This is short and to the point, but man lets be the change we seek .. I am guilty of shitting it off, of just being angry and negative, hopeless, but when I give it changes everything. Stop seeing what you can gain, and start looking at the real change you can bring inside you and others.
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie
The point of this is I do what I do to heal, to love, because it has been my deepest desire to help others. So no, I don't have the prettiest website, not many people read my blog, I don't make much money at what I do, yet I know it serves a higher purpose and I really don't care much about the rest. I hate messing with trying to organize Facebook post for my business page, or what will I talk about on Periscope, I would rather be sitting with someone in pain and helping then in any way I can.
So to you out there who may not feel like you can do anything help the world, maybe you go to a job you don't like, you don't get out much, your kids are you main social group. It is simple, just love. Be kind, have compassion, have empathy for others. Even if you feel shitty, or broken, whatever state you are in, when you open up and give, pour into another, you are changing more than your eyes can see.
This is short and to the point, but man lets be the change we seek .. I am guilty of shitting it off, of just being angry and negative, hopeless, but when I give it changes everything. Stop seeing what you can gain, and start looking at the real change you can bring inside you and others.
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie
Thursday, January 28, 2016
You and I do have a purpose, I know hard to believe but it is so true.
Hi, my name is Shawna and I suffer from ADD, it is a writer and entrepreneurs enemy. I have so much inside yet, I have to work really hard at organizing it all so that you aren't left scratching your head wondering what the hell I am trying to say. It is not so bad for me in conversation because I easily open my throat chakra and let it flow. When I am home trying to stay on task or do what I need to do , it can get ugly. Oh look! A new notification that leads to an hour of mindless Facebook , oh I got a text that led to a call and look there that is shiny and pretty... What the hell was I doing?? Yeah you get my drift lol.
Today I listened to hours of amazing ladies sharing their knowledge in the Virtual Psychic Summit ( you should check it out on Facebook! It just calling in for a week and hearing many presenters share their vast knowledge and it is FREE) The message I heard the most today was that we all have a purpose, as I was listening to a ladies story ( I don't know her at all) tears start streaming, I close my eyes and I hear my angels, source energy start to talk. Telling me see there, no matter what your ego says you have a purpose, it is unique and you survived this long to go out and shine. The tears came harder. Thank you angels, thank you god and goddess I so needed that.
This led me to share a little bit of my story in hopes you can relate, so you too can realize you have a purpose and so I can help you find out what it is.
From birth it felt my life was set up to be doomed, at least if we go by statistics. Born to a young mother, dad ran off , living in the projects, my single mom working her ass off and doing her best. My mom gets married when I am young, I am led to believe this is my father, he is controlling, loud, angry , an alcoholic, I am living in fear most days. I was never hurt physically by my dad but the fear of the unknown was enough for me. I was very quiet and shy ( yes even though I am a Leo) . The abuse started for me around age 4 and I will not go into detail since I have never spoken to my family about any of this. It occurred at different times by different males through out my life.
By the age of 12 I had been sneaking alcohol, was promiscuous, by 14 I was sexually active by my own choice, attempting to get love and attention I so needed from my parents etc .. I was depressed, started smoking pot, using LSD, and attempted suicide. I was diagnosed as severely depressed and put on medication that I didn't want to take. The next few years were full of drugs, alcohol, parties, my father was an alcoholic, my mother working her butt off, going to school , a job etc and not much time allowed for me. There were many times I came close to harm , driving all over the country, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. At 16 I was hit by a car walking across a busy road in a busy city . I should have died. I flew 6 feet in the air, I busted out the windshield with my head, I remember looking down as I was falling back to earth thinking " this is the end" . Instead those wonderful adrenaline guys kicked in, I was in shock, I jumped up there was a huge crowd, I started to grab my belongings scattered on the ground, I looked at my friend and said " I want to go home now" . I then collapsed to the ground trying not to pass out, screaming in pain . The pain in my back was the worst ever, my legs were numb, I was scared. The ambulance came, rushed me to the ER. If you have never been rushed half out of it on a stretcher through the ER , it is pretty damn scary.
Pain meds kicked in and I don't remember much, they had to cut my clothes off because of the bleeding, after many test and waking up. I was alive, even better I only had many cuts and scrapes, a broken tail bone, whip lash, nerve damage and compressed disk in my back. I was going to be okay.
There are many other scenarios in my life I could take you to, the ones that stand out the most are being at an apartment in downtown Louisville at the age of 16 and it was a party drug house. There were two guys who didn't look familiar, or like they really fit in, I got a bad vibe , after busying what I needed and hanging out for a few my friend and I left. Right after leaving those two guys held everyone there at gun point, shooting a couple people, and robbing everyone.
Another time some local people might recall a hotel bust in Clarksville back in 1999. There were a ton of my friends living in this hotel , ages 14 to 30 . Every drug you could imagine was there. I went in with my boyfriend at the time, got what we needed then left, upon leaving, I see all these cop cars and DEA cars rushing to the hotel. Everyone there was in jail and facing huge charges, I made it out by minuets.
Another time myself and a boyfriend had pounds of pot that was brought from Mexico in the back of my car, we are to meet at a hotel . We pull up and there are cop cars EVERYWHERE, we just happened to pick the hotel where the police convention was going on at that very moment. Seriously!!! We proceeded and somehow did not end up in jail.
I can go onto tell about getting pregnant and becoming a teen mom, being in a very abusive and controlling marriage at a young age, joining a crazy cult. Then of course the pain of divorce, your children gone half the time, and rebuilding your life.
At some point I started to heal, the more I was healing, learning, growing and transforming the more my heart was on fire to guide others into the same healing etc I had found. Yet, I had this mentality that once I gained ground and started seeing huge transformation in my life that I had reached somewhere. Then when life happened, remarriage, becoming a step parent, juggling so many things, the stress of life, trying to be perfect caught up to me. I assumed this was just how my life would forever be, unable to see that yes, there will always be a struggle, something to help transform me , to cause me to dig deeper inside. So I gave up. I said forget my dreams and passions I will just survive.
This was not enough, I tried to run away, I tried to numb my pain. Then it was like I woke up. I let the false teachings go, I let the Jesus god go, I let so much go and I started to embrace a whole new life. Would you know it my passion came back. I again had to jump back on the healing wagon, and realize something that was so hard for me. It is ok to be a broken vessel and still pour water into the thirsty. I can be me, I can live my messy life, yet I know now what I have learned, all my crazy experiences are for a purpose, they are to help guide those that are in similar situations to safety, to beauty, to their dreams.
If we were perfect we would have nothing to offer anyone. So many are still stuck thinking only when they are perfect, with a perfect life, they can then give, live, love, share. It is so not that way. My gifts have come through my struggle, they were given so in my imperfect state I can still give.
What about you? What is your story? Did you let your mistakes hold you back from thinking you have a great purpose to serve on this earth? Do you think that because you are human you have nothing to offer the world?? I will challenge you to dig deep, find what your heart loves, if it has come through a struggle more than likely it is a clue to your purpose. You are perfect in your imperfections because really no one judge the right or worng since it doesn't exist. Just be you, let your light shine even if you feel you are in the dark. Know that even if it isn't clear yet you have so much to give and share with this world.
If you are feeling stuck and down know this, you have everything in you to create the life ou want. No one is holding you back but you. Jesus the man did not want to be god, he didn't want to be the one people boo hooed to when life got tough, he showed them the truth that he had god in him and we have the exact same thing !! We are gods, we are co creators of our story. It will be messy, but don't let dim your shine!
Keep shining, keep giving, keep loving. You are amazing just as you are, and you have so much to give the world, what are you waiting for??
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie
Today I listened to hours of amazing ladies sharing their knowledge in the Virtual Psychic Summit ( you should check it out on Facebook! It just calling in for a week and hearing many presenters share their vast knowledge and it is FREE) The message I heard the most today was that we all have a purpose, as I was listening to a ladies story ( I don't know her at all) tears start streaming, I close my eyes and I hear my angels, source energy start to talk. Telling me see there, no matter what your ego says you have a purpose, it is unique and you survived this long to go out and shine. The tears came harder. Thank you angels, thank you god and goddess I so needed that.
This led me to share a little bit of my story in hopes you can relate, so you too can realize you have a purpose and so I can help you find out what it is.
From birth it felt my life was set up to be doomed, at least if we go by statistics. Born to a young mother, dad ran off , living in the projects, my single mom working her ass off and doing her best. My mom gets married when I am young, I am led to believe this is my father, he is controlling, loud, angry , an alcoholic, I am living in fear most days. I was never hurt physically by my dad but the fear of the unknown was enough for me. I was very quiet and shy ( yes even though I am a Leo) . The abuse started for me around age 4 and I will not go into detail since I have never spoken to my family about any of this. It occurred at different times by different males through out my life.
By the age of 12 I had been sneaking alcohol, was promiscuous, by 14 I was sexually active by my own choice, attempting to get love and attention I so needed from my parents etc .. I was depressed, started smoking pot, using LSD, and attempted suicide. I was diagnosed as severely depressed and put on medication that I didn't want to take. The next few years were full of drugs, alcohol, parties, my father was an alcoholic, my mother working her butt off, going to school , a job etc and not much time allowed for me. There were many times I came close to harm , driving all over the country, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. At 16 I was hit by a car walking across a busy road in a busy city . I should have died. I flew 6 feet in the air, I busted out the windshield with my head, I remember looking down as I was falling back to earth thinking " this is the end" . Instead those wonderful adrenaline guys kicked in, I was in shock, I jumped up there was a huge crowd, I started to grab my belongings scattered on the ground, I looked at my friend and said " I want to go home now" . I then collapsed to the ground trying not to pass out, screaming in pain . The pain in my back was the worst ever, my legs were numb, I was scared. The ambulance came, rushed me to the ER. If you have never been rushed half out of it on a stretcher through the ER , it is pretty damn scary.
Pain meds kicked in and I don't remember much, they had to cut my clothes off because of the bleeding, after many test and waking up. I was alive, even better I only had many cuts and scrapes, a broken tail bone, whip lash, nerve damage and compressed disk in my back. I was going to be okay.
There are many other scenarios in my life I could take you to, the ones that stand out the most are being at an apartment in downtown Louisville at the age of 16 and it was a party drug house. There were two guys who didn't look familiar, or like they really fit in, I got a bad vibe , after busying what I needed and hanging out for a few my friend and I left. Right after leaving those two guys held everyone there at gun point, shooting a couple people, and robbing everyone.
Another time some local people might recall a hotel bust in Clarksville back in 1999. There were a ton of my friends living in this hotel , ages 14 to 30 . Every drug you could imagine was there. I went in with my boyfriend at the time, got what we needed then left, upon leaving, I see all these cop cars and DEA cars rushing to the hotel. Everyone there was in jail and facing huge charges, I made it out by minuets.
Another time myself and a boyfriend had pounds of pot that was brought from Mexico in the back of my car, we are to meet at a hotel . We pull up and there are cop cars EVERYWHERE, we just happened to pick the hotel where the police convention was going on at that very moment. Seriously!!! We proceeded and somehow did not end up in jail.
I can go onto tell about getting pregnant and becoming a teen mom, being in a very abusive and controlling marriage at a young age, joining a crazy cult. Then of course the pain of divorce, your children gone half the time, and rebuilding your life.
At some point I started to heal, the more I was healing, learning, growing and transforming the more my heart was on fire to guide others into the same healing etc I had found. Yet, I had this mentality that once I gained ground and started seeing huge transformation in my life that I had reached somewhere. Then when life happened, remarriage, becoming a step parent, juggling so many things, the stress of life, trying to be perfect caught up to me. I assumed this was just how my life would forever be, unable to see that yes, there will always be a struggle, something to help transform me , to cause me to dig deeper inside. So I gave up. I said forget my dreams and passions I will just survive.
This was not enough, I tried to run away, I tried to numb my pain. Then it was like I woke up. I let the false teachings go, I let the Jesus god go, I let so much go and I started to embrace a whole new life. Would you know it my passion came back. I again had to jump back on the healing wagon, and realize something that was so hard for me. It is ok to be a broken vessel and still pour water into the thirsty. I can be me, I can live my messy life, yet I know now what I have learned, all my crazy experiences are for a purpose, they are to help guide those that are in similar situations to safety, to beauty, to their dreams.
If we were perfect we would have nothing to offer anyone. So many are still stuck thinking only when they are perfect, with a perfect life, they can then give, live, love, share. It is so not that way. My gifts have come through my struggle, they were given so in my imperfect state I can still give.
What about you? What is your story? Did you let your mistakes hold you back from thinking you have a great purpose to serve on this earth? Do you think that because you are human you have nothing to offer the world?? I will challenge you to dig deep, find what your heart loves, if it has come through a struggle more than likely it is a clue to your purpose. You are perfect in your imperfections because really no one judge the right or worng since it doesn't exist. Just be you, let your light shine even if you feel you are in the dark. Know that even if it isn't clear yet you have so much to give and share with this world.
If you are feeling stuck and down know this, you have everything in you to create the life ou want. No one is holding you back but you. Jesus the man did not want to be god, he didn't want to be the one people boo hooed to when life got tough, he showed them the truth that he had god in him and we have the exact same thing !! We are gods, we are co creators of our story. It will be messy, but don't let dim your shine!
Keep shining, keep giving, keep loving. You are amazing just as you are, and you have so much to give the world, what are you waiting for??
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie
Monday, January 25, 2016
The transformation of me.
Have you ever had something inside just bursting? Yet it is all jumbled up and you have to find the words to form a sentence so you can attempt to get a point across?? That has been me all day long. I have this in me and I keep thinking about it, however I have to get it out , in a way that doesn't make me sound like Jack Kerouac on a binge.
Back in 2014 I decided to find out why I claimed to be a Christian, what did that mean? I didn't know squat about the history, only what the Bible had taught , sadly the Bible somehow replaced most of real history through the western world. I was in awe. I knew I was getting closer and closer to my truth and it was like an addiction. I dreamed to be an archeologist but it makes sense now, I LOVE digging deep and finding hidden truth. In all things! People, stories, history, religion, I take nothing for face value and it is usually my intuition guiding me as I get in the zone and I am digging away. This brings such joy and excitement.
After my studies I was scared. I now had a totally new way of looking at Christianity than before, I wanted to explode , I wanted to scream it out to every Christian I knew, but I didn't.. I was scared. Too scared of being judged, kicked out of the church, shunned by my peers. I did continue to study but each time I entered the church doors I could hardly stomach being there. As fate would have it the crazy church split. Cases of child abuse, molestation, abuse etc from way back until present came out, the fact that this church leader has taught occult/mystical knowledge yet in a sick way puts a Jesus spin on it so you are pulled in by the "mystery" that your common Christian just doesn't know, yet you are still so controlled by the Christian law. It is crazy. This gave me an easy way out, I was also finally able to speak up about the abuse I endured. I still knew there was so much more I needed to learn, I was still hiding behind Jesus.
If you watch the show Vikings ( one of the few shows I watch and love) , you will see where I was . I was the Christian monk, that finds so many tangible, beautiful gods that I love yet I am torn. In all reality it is just fear that is grasping me. I see it in so many , you try to break away, then you run right back and are all wwjd running to the cross, getting washed in the blood ( and they claim I am weird lol). I see that fear in you. Some applaud you and I am sure most of the motive is to make others think you are still holding fast to the faith , because it is too real and scary to loose friends, fans, oh wow they might reject me.. LOL.. I have lost friends, family, my facebook friends was cut in half, I have been called a devil worshipper, told I am going to hell, I have heard it all! I cut my losses. I didn't conform or run back to church or the church gang just bc life felt lonely or I need to be needed.. See I care about others feelings so I make careful choices, yet I am very independent and I really don't have the need as some to be wanted, surrounded by others, I actually like my alone time lol . Let me say this loud and clear you can't carry the old shit if you want something new. You can't transform while holding tight onto the old story. Let the fear go. Stop being scared to live, to make mistakes, to be your raw wild self. Stop thinking that you need a savior! Be your own savior! This mentality that you can go and be irresponsible and just run to Jesus to make it all better is just sick. Own your shit! Make your life better! Stop with the poor me and the same old song and dance that you have no control of your life and you will just "pray and give it to god".
That was a rant, it means nothing, just my feelings and opinions. I will be happy to share why at this point in my life I can proudly say I am not a Christian, I have no fear about it, I am very happy with this choice. The only thing I am still trying to figure out on my own is where does Jesus fit into the mix?? Did he even walk the earth? Was he just totally made up as the Roman god to control and gain fortune? Was he here? Was he raised in a time where the other religions prominent in his time taught to him? Was he an Essene? They are the ancient group that wrote the dead sea scrolls, they believed in so many things we would call "new age" today. They were powerful healers, teachers, they were able to create and manifest great things as well as great inventions. They also protected and passed down the ancient knowledge from the start of the human race. Jesus fits that perfectly. Was he just a man that reached god consciousness , trying to convince others that they had god in them and could get there as well? There is great debate on both sides. I know one thing for sure in my studies I have found if Jesus walked this earth he was nothing more than you and I , we all have god in us, we are all god and from source energy. Did he get swept up in a messy political war of his time? I am going to give the info that has helped me come to some pretty big conclusions.
This is a list of ancient gods way before Jesus was around, oddly enough Jesus sounds like a compilation of them all, so this helps my thinking that the Romans created this Jesus or they made the man Jesus who was killed for political reasons, who was trying to peacefully teach what he had learned , they used this man as an opportunity to create a god.
Egyptian god Horus 1280 BC
Date of birth is December 25
born to a virgin ( his father was killed and resurrected , they had not consummated their marriage yet so they did after he came in spirit form, this is a young girl being impregnated by a spirit ( the holy spirit) ).
tempted in the desert
baptized in a river
walked on water
raised a man named Asar from the dead ( Asar translates to Lazarus)
he had 12 disciples
he was crucified and rose again
Krishna
called the son of god
called a savior and that he saved men from their sins
his earthly step father was a carpenter
when he was born wise men and shepherds followed a star to him
he was without sin
he performed miracles
he was called human and divine , part man and part god
he raised the dead
he openly forgave his enemies
he had a last supper before death
he went to hell then ascended to heaven and it was witnessed by men
Mithra
Date of birth December 25
died for sins so sinners could have everlasting life
born of a virgin
born in a manger with many shepherds at birth
he was called the light of the world
had a last supper
had disciples
worshippers celebrated a special meal symbolizing eating his flesh and drinking his blood
halo is depicted around him
he performed water miracles
his followers branded themselves with a cross, this was his symbol
Odin
father/god
sacrificed on a "world tree" then pierced in side by spear
his son balder was also pierced with spear
son dies and is suppose to be reborn/resurrected representing the second coming of Jesus
son is called the light
Bear with me please, not trying to get boring or all school book on you lol. I just want to give those that call themselves Christian yet have no clue about real history, or how their religion really came to be other than the bible a chance to gain some knowledge, as well as those that might to walk away from Christianity but are too scared because they don't have enough historical facts to show them it is okay. The next guy is very important and he is the closest one that is like Jesus.
Ptolemaic Dynasty --- Soter ( that name translated means savior)
Soter
This guy was the first European Pharaoh, he came by force led by Alexander the great and took the position of Pharaoh in Egypt. He demanded that he gain god stature like all previous natural born Egyptian Pharaohs were. The priest refused. They were damned to let this European guy who came in by force be called a god. That did not go over very well and so he decided to go on killing sprees of Egyptians. He also gave himself an Egyptian name , Meryamun Setepenre this means god chosen of Ra . Finally the priest at Memphis gave in so they would nor other innocent people would not be killed. This man was called a savior by his followers and he was called the Christ. His followers were called Christians. There is a statue of him in London and he looks just like the pictures of Jesus we see. It seems clear that Constantine used this European Pharaoh to help create the god Jesus. They then would force this new god on the Africans , start wiping out all ancient text and knowledge they had, and it also went on into slavery, they were still forced to worship this god Jesus in the western world.
325 AD The Council of Nicaea
At this council they had to settle many disputes. One was is Jesus god or is he just an ordinary human like everyone else. Also decided would be the books that were placed in the Bible and the dated of holidays such as Christmas and Easter. I find it rather humorous that Constantine being a pagan who converted to Christianity still used pagan holidays and just attempted to make them about the new god Jesus. They voted, yes seriously a bunch of men voted , and it was a very close vote , that Jesus from that day forward would be considered a god. See there are recent discoveries of the oldest Bible found in Palestine and it claims that Jesus was just an ordinary human like us all, not a god. Yet, a few votes made him a god at that point. There were many ancient text brought forth at this time to be examined and the books of the bible were chosen. many like the dead sea scrolls, the book of Thomas, the book of Enoch were left out. Why?? During a period of time when everyone was writing , especially writing religious text on their own personal belief, some guys randomly picked the books you and I at one point literally lived my every waking moment by. gggrrrr... It is also mind blowing that this pagan ruler seemed to use so many ancient gods to weave together this story of the Jesus god.
I hope this has been informative for you and that you learned something new. Please don't just believe something because someone tells you it is the truth, please don't follow one book like your life depends on it , when other humans created it . If you can now maybe see that the Jesus God the Romans created became the Catholic god, they then went on Crusades in order to burn and destroy all and any ancient knowledge, spiritual knowledge, anything that told the truth of our origins, the power we all have etc. WHY? What were they so afraid of us knowing? You better believe after being in the place where civilization started these Romans learned a thing or two. They now created a plan where their new Jesus god would help them be filthy rich, control people through fear, start wars, political uprising where they would have the power. It still continues today. SO many are still bound by fear to the Jesus god they know nothing much about except what they were told. Stop living in fear! Step out and give living a chance!
Well it is late and I am tired, plus I feel like I just typed a damn novel lol.
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie
Back in 2014 I decided to find out why I claimed to be a Christian, what did that mean? I didn't know squat about the history, only what the Bible had taught , sadly the Bible somehow replaced most of real history through the western world. I was in awe. I knew I was getting closer and closer to my truth and it was like an addiction. I dreamed to be an archeologist but it makes sense now, I LOVE digging deep and finding hidden truth. In all things! People, stories, history, religion, I take nothing for face value and it is usually my intuition guiding me as I get in the zone and I am digging away. This brings such joy and excitement.
After my studies I was scared. I now had a totally new way of looking at Christianity than before, I wanted to explode , I wanted to scream it out to every Christian I knew, but I didn't.. I was scared. Too scared of being judged, kicked out of the church, shunned by my peers. I did continue to study but each time I entered the church doors I could hardly stomach being there. As fate would have it the crazy church split. Cases of child abuse, molestation, abuse etc from way back until present came out, the fact that this church leader has taught occult/mystical knowledge yet in a sick way puts a Jesus spin on it so you are pulled in by the "mystery" that your common Christian just doesn't know, yet you are still so controlled by the Christian law. It is crazy. This gave me an easy way out, I was also finally able to speak up about the abuse I endured. I still knew there was so much more I needed to learn, I was still hiding behind Jesus.
If you watch the show Vikings ( one of the few shows I watch and love) , you will see where I was . I was the Christian monk, that finds so many tangible, beautiful gods that I love yet I am torn. In all reality it is just fear that is grasping me. I see it in so many , you try to break away, then you run right back and are all wwjd running to the cross, getting washed in the blood ( and they claim I am weird lol). I see that fear in you. Some applaud you and I am sure most of the motive is to make others think you are still holding fast to the faith , because it is too real and scary to loose friends, fans, oh wow they might reject me.. LOL.. I have lost friends, family, my facebook friends was cut in half, I have been called a devil worshipper, told I am going to hell, I have heard it all! I cut my losses. I didn't conform or run back to church or the church gang just bc life felt lonely or I need to be needed.. See I care about others feelings so I make careful choices, yet I am very independent and I really don't have the need as some to be wanted, surrounded by others, I actually like my alone time lol . Let me say this loud and clear you can't carry the old shit if you want something new. You can't transform while holding tight onto the old story. Let the fear go. Stop being scared to live, to make mistakes, to be your raw wild self. Stop thinking that you need a savior! Be your own savior! This mentality that you can go and be irresponsible and just run to Jesus to make it all better is just sick. Own your shit! Make your life better! Stop with the poor me and the same old song and dance that you have no control of your life and you will just "pray and give it to god".
That was a rant, it means nothing, just my feelings and opinions. I will be happy to share why at this point in my life I can proudly say I am not a Christian, I have no fear about it, I am very happy with this choice. The only thing I am still trying to figure out on my own is where does Jesus fit into the mix?? Did he even walk the earth? Was he just totally made up as the Roman god to control and gain fortune? Was he here? Was he raised in a time where the other religions prominent in his time taught to him? Was he an Essene? They are the ancient group that wrote the dead sea scrolls, they believed in so many things we would call "new age" today. They were powerful healers, teachers, they were able to create and manifest great things as well as great inventions. They also protected and passed down the ancient knowledge from the start of the human race. Jesus fits that perfectly. Was he just a man that reached god consciousness , trying to convince others that they had god in them and could get there as well? There is great debate on both sides. I know one thing for sure in my studies I have found if Jesus walked this earth he was nothing more than you and I , we all have god in us, we are all god and from source energy. Did he get swept up in a messy political war of his time? I am going to give the info that has helped me come to some pretty big conclusions.
This is a list of ancient gods way before Jesus was around, oddly enough Jesus sounds like a compilation of them all, so this helps my thinking that the Romans created this Jesus or they made the man Jesus who was killed for political reasons, who was trying to peacefully teach what he had learned , they used this man as an opportunity to create a god.
Egyptian god Horus 1280 BC
Date of birth is December 25
born to a virgin ( his father was killed and resurrected , they had not consummated their marriage yet so they did after he came in spirit form, this is a young girl being impregnated by a spirit ( the holy spirit) ).
tempted in the desert
baptized in a river
walked on water
raised a man named Asar from the dead ( Asar translates to Lazarus)
he had 12 disciples
he was crucified and rose again
Krishna
called the son of god
called a savior and that he saved men from their sins
his earthly step father was a carpenter
when he was born wise men and shepherds followed a star to him
he was without sin
he performed miracles
he was called human and divine , part man and part god
he raised the dead
he openly forgave his enemies
he had a last supper before death
he went to hell then ascended to heaven and it was witnessed by men
Mithra
Date of birth December 25
died for sins so sinners could have everlasting life
born of a virgin
born in a manger with many shepherds at birth
he was called the light of the world
had a last supper
had disciples
worshippers celebrated a special meal symbolizing eating his flesh and drinking his blood
halo is depicted around him
he performed water miracles
his followers branded themselves with a cross, this was his symbol
Odin
father/god
sacrificed on a "world tree" then pierced in side by spear
his son balder was also pierced with spear
son dies and is suppose to be reborn/resurrected representing the second coming of Jesus
son is called the light
Bear with me please, not trying to get boring or all school book on you lol. I just want to give those that call themselves Christian yet have no clue about real history, or how their religion really came to be other than the bible a chance to gain some knowledge, as well as those that might to walk away from Christianity but are too scared because they don't have enough historical facts to show them it is okay. The next guy is very important and he is the closest one that is like Jesus.
Ptolemaic Dynasty --- Soter ( that name translated means savior)
Soter
This guy was the first European Pharaoh, he came by force led by Alexander the great and took the position of Pharaoh in Egypt. He demanded that he gain god stature like all previous natural born Egyptian Pharaohs were. The priest refused. They were damned to let this European guy who came in by force be called a god. That did not go over very well and so he decided to go on killing sprees of Egyptians. He also gave himself an Egyptian name , Meryamun Setepenre this means god chosen of Ra . Finally the priest at Memphis gave in so they would nor other innocent people would not be killed. This man was called a savior by his followers and he was called the Christ. His followers were called Christians. There is a statue of him in London and he looks just like the pictures of Jesus we see. It seems clear that Constantine used this European Pharaoh to help create the god Jesus. They then would force this new god on the Africans , start wiping out all ancient text and knowledge they had, and it also went on into slavery, they were still forced to worship this god Jesus in the western world.
325 AD The Council of Nicaea
At this council they had to settle many disputes. One was is Jesus god or is he just an ordinary human like everyone else. Also decided would be the books that were placed in the Bible and the dated of holidays such as Christmas and Easter. I find it rather humorous that Constantine being a pagan who converted to Christianity still used pagan holidays and just attempted to make them about the new god Jesus. They voted, yes seriously a bunch of men voted , and it was a very close vote , that Jesus from that day forward would be considered a god. See there are recent discoveries of the oldest Bible found in Palestine and it claims that Jesus was just an ordinary human like us all, not a god. Yet, a few votes made him a god at that point. There were many ancient text brought forth at this time to be examined and the books of the bible were chosen. many like the dead sea scrolls, the book of Thomas, the book of Enoch were left out. Why?? During a period of time when everyone was writing , especially writing religious text on their own personal belief, some guys randomly picked the books you and I at one point literally lived my every waking moment by. gggrrrr... It is also mind blowing that this pagan ruler seemed to use so many ancient gods to weave together this story of the Jesus god.
I hope this has been informative for you and that you learned something new. Please don't just believe something because someone tells you it is the truth, please don't follow one book like your life depends on it , when other humans created it . If you can now maybe see that the Jesus God the Romans created became the Catholic god, they then went on Crusades in order to burn and destroy all and any ancient knowledge, spiritual knowledge, anything that told the truth of our origins, the power we all have etc. WHY? What were they so afraid of us knowing? You better believe after being in the place where civilization started these Romans learned a thing or two. They now created a plan where their new Jesus god would help them be filthy rich, control people through fear, start wars, political uprising where they would have the power. It still continues today. SO many are still bound by fear to the Jesus god they know nothing much about except what they were told. Stop living in fear! Step out and give living a chance!
Well it is late and I am tired, plus I feel like I just typed a damn novel lol.
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Just let go an let.... HA who the hell am I kidding?
Yeah so that fucking phrase again huh?? I swear I have always cringed when I heard someone say this, or I even read it. So many times in my adult life when I was losing my shit, or you know you just prayed your guts out to the floor just hoping your words and snot mean something , and you are met with the most sincere idiot saying " oh sweetie it's okay just let go and let god". Really? Really??? Do you happen to have the damn manual on this? Where the hell is the pastor because they must know how to do this right?? yeah , no Houston really fucking wrong.
It would get so bad I would literally try to envision myself letting go of something in my mind just to try and conjure up any feeling in me that felt the slightest bit like I was letting go of something.. Nothing.. actually looking back it just made me grip tighter.
I am saying all this because yesterday once again I was met with those words, " Shawna honey boo boo you have to let go, let Goddess ( that sounds so much better huh) and trust". Yes it was from the sweetest, kindest , most amazing lady and mentor I have ever had, so instead of getting mad, I listened , then I got real and said I don't fucking know how.
It is crazy how we really don't notice ourselves changing, we don't see how we slide into conforming into some way of life even if we swore we would never get there. We don't notice how we grip onto things in a sad way to attempt some sort of control. We don't see how we have lost our shine, our zest for life, that we are angry, hurting, resentful. When it is our time we will see , it won't be a pretty package sitting so we can take our time and open it and feel the love. It will be ugly and dramatic and oh will you fight it.
She kindly and with so much love held the mirror to my face and made it clear nothing outside of me is broken , my lens is broken. All the shit I complain about in others, feeling my life is wasting away whatever it is that it is all in me! I am picking at them because of whats in me, I am feeling restricted because I have been hiding in fear. I have let others control, I try to control oh and I run and hide , I dim my shine, the light in me. I see it all , I hear this, I see it clear ... My next words are how the fuck do I just let go? How do I trust? I always have to try and figure it all out.
After swearing to never say the words TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT again , the wisdom hit me hard. Just fucking do it, you won't until you are really ready but that is all there is to it. If the Goddess keeps me walking down the street without flying off into space, if she keeps everything breathing as if on queue, if she keeps water flowing all this earth, if she keeps giving, loving, providing even though we harm her, we bomb her, we kill each other, we take her for granted... Why the hell can I not just let go and be Shawna so Goddess can keep being who she is, doing what she has always done?
So here goes nothing. I am letting go , I have no clue what that looks like , I didn't get the damn manual . I did however get it and I see clearly what has been slowly poisoning me on the inside. I can't control anything, I do not need anyone to control me, everything in my life is what I asked for and it is fucking great, if not I will change it. I am a goddess, I have a voice and I refuse to hide away anymore. I am taking my eyes off the inside little world of Shawna and onto the great big wonderful around me. The new motto is I am guided, provided for and protected, I will receive anything I request, .... I am letting go ..
I hope you can relate, if not just wait it will come >)
Remember the planets are in a small parade so they are very tuned into your thoughts right now, so from now on until February 20th be mindful to only focus on the positive you want to manifest!!
So much love,light, and blessings to you!
If anyone would like a tarot/oracle reading, energy healing, or intuitive session please Email me! Sweetshawna25@gmail,com
Stay warm and stay rad!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
It would get so bad I would literally try to envision myself letting go of something in my mind just to try and conjure up any feeling in me that felt the slightest bit like I was letting go of something.. Nothing.. actually looking back it just made me grip tighter.
I am saying all this because yesterday once again I was met with those words, " Shawna honey boo boo you have to let go, let Goddess ( that sounds so much better huh) and trust". Yes it was from the sweetest, kindest , most amazing lady and mentor I have ever had, so instead of getting mad, I listened , then I got real and said I don't fucking know how.
It is crazy how we really don't notice ourselves changing, we don't see how we slide into conforming into some way of life even if we swore we would never get there. We don't notice how we grip onto things in a sad way to attempt some sort of control. We don't see how we have lost our shine, our zest for life, that we are angry, hurting, resentful. When it is our time we will see , it won't be a pretty package sitting so we can take our time and open it and feel the love. It will be ugly and dramatic and oh will you fight it.
She kindly and with so much love held the mirror to my face and made it clear nothing outside of me is broken , my lens is broken. All the shit I complain about in others, feeling my life is wasting away whatever it is that it is all in me! I am picking at them because of whats in me, I am feeling restricted because I have been hiding in fear. I have let others control, I try to control oh and I run and hide , I dim my shine, the light in me. I see it all , I hear this, I see it clear ... My next words are how the fuck do I just let go? How do I trust? I always have to try and figure it all out.
After swearing to never say the words TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT again , the wisdom hit me hard. Just fucking do it, you won't until you are really ready but that is all there is to it. If the Goddess keeps me walking down the street without flying off into space, if she keeps everything breathing as if on queue, if she keeps water flowing all this earth, if she keeps giving, loving, providing even though we harm her, we bomb her, we kill each other, we take her for granted... Why the hell can I not just let go and be Shawna so Goddess can keep being who she is, doing what she has always done?
So here goes nothing. I am letting go , I have no clue what that looks like , I didn't get the damn manual . I did however get it and I see clearly what has been slowly poisoning me on the inside. I can't control anything, I do not need anyone to control me, everything in my life is what I asked for and it is fucking great, if not I will change it. I am a goddess, I have a voice and I refuse to hide away anymore. I am taking my eyes off the inside little world of Shawna and onto the great big wonderful around me. The new motto is I am guided, provided for and protected, I will receive anything I request, .... I am letting go ..
I hope you can relate, if not just wait it will come >)
Remember the planets are in a small parade so they are very tuned into your thoughts right now, so from now on until February 20th be mindful to only focus on the positive you want to manifest!!
So much love,light, and blessings to you!
If anyone would like a tarot/oracle reading, energy healing, or intuitive session please Email me! Sweetshawna25@gmail,com
Stay warm and stay rad!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Sticks and stones may break my bones but lables they just suck.
Well today is super busy for me , I usually write that thing that is on my mind and burning inside me. That isn't hard to find since most of my free time is learning and studying, I am back in ancient Egypt , this time studying how the tarot ties into their teachings, the kabbala tree of life, I am only on the 3rd card and my mind is overflowing with Orion, Sirius twin male and female soul ( how we each have both before entering this realm of existence) oh then it all ties into Christian mythology that is so identical to other ancient religious teaching... Good good stuff also might I say how great it feels to say Christian mythology haha , to know it is not some absolute truth! To know the fear and guilt is gone!!
That leads to this whole label thing. We for some reason in this 3rd dimension , have to label everything , yes, in some things it can be good. I do like to know when that food will go bad as well as what is in the food I eat , what is poison etc. Yet, we do this to ourselves and others all the time. That whole non judging thing works great for this lol. All the time I am faced with people who demand to know who I claim to be , what do I believe, what group do I belong to. They do not like my answer that I refuse to label myself anything. I am spirit having a human experience, I am learning from everything and growing. Even as a Christian I had a huge issue claiming that as my identity. I mean if I need to go so far as to call myself the name of another person to show my devotion, ummmm count me out! Others would say well , if you can't say it and claim it, then force others to follow it you are a fraud, oh and you will be cast into hell, well shit, thanks a lot. I . Am. Screwed.
We start this label thing at a very young age, we see in order to fit into society and even our family we have to fall under the label of obedient, kind, loving, orderly, submissive the list goes on. There is punishment others place on us and we place on ourselves for not being in one of these categories and sadly the fear of loss of love or rejection will push us into submission and we will let this label land on us , branding us for life. We also see how those with "bad labels" are treated , they are rejected, punished, others try to bend their wills and force them to conform. No thanks none of that for me so I will quietly let others place the label on me .
What would a world without labels look like? To some it is very scary. If I can't put you with a penis under the label of male then that is not ok. This is the reaction of most. If I can't fit you into a box in my head then I feel out of control. Labels, forcing others to conform, this control is nothing but an illusion. If we could see our true selves outside of this world, body, dimension we would be so shocked. I am each day on not placing labels on myself or others, not forcing anyone into a box, this does mean dropping all society has forced me to believe about right and wring, it means dropping my desire for control and letting others be. It means trusting a great deal that those I want to label and push away will teach me lessons I need to see in myself and then go on about their way because no two vibrations can be together . If you are living at a low vibration and I do not like it, I examine myself, see why I attracted that , deal with me and trust we can't be after that since it is a universal law. What our human side wants to do is try to label and fix everyone around us to make them match us, so then they only bring us happiness.
Having children will do this fast , I was taught in this crazy ass church ( yet it is popular Christian theme) , to force my children into obedience, to break their will, to make sure you "spare the rod so you don't spoil the child" oh and someone decided the whole train your children in the way they should go means that you need to control every aspect of them and use physical means if you must. I just always wondered how such a loving God they claim to believe in would want you to label your children, each other, and yourself as bad based on societies judgments and standards , then if those are not met label them as bad.
Even to this day I refuse to be labeled. Someone will ask " are you Wiccan"? umm no, " are you new age"? ummm no, then what are you ?? I am just me . I am a spiritual being that has been here many times and is a part of source energy, I am learning , growing, and using the tools , gifts , talents I have to expand my consciousness. If they aren't satisfied or scratching their head, well they probably wouldn't understand no matter the explanation.
It isn't always easy. Judgment, control, and labeling others seem to be such a well known familiar part of being a human . I still do my best to remember these valuable lessons I have learned, I can testify that all of your relationships even the one with yourself , will be so much more enjoyable, relaxed, and peaceful if you will stop labeling, stop judging, and stop trying to control.... In the great words of the Beatles " Let It Be" .
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
That leads to this whole label thing. We for some reason in this 3rd dimension , have to label everything , yes, in some things it can be good. I do like to know when that food will go bad as well as what is in the food I eat , what is poison etc. Yet, we do this to ourselves and others all the time. That whole non judging thing works great for this lol. All the time I am faced with people who demand to know who I claim to be , what do I believe, what group do I belong to. They do not like my answer that I refuse to label myself anything. I am spirit having a human experience, I am learning from everything and growing. Even as a Christian I had a huge issue claiming that as my identity. I mean if I need to go so far as to call myself the name of another person to show my devotion, ummmm count me out! Others would say well , if you can't say it and claim it, then force others to follow it you are a fraud, oh and you will be cast into hell, well shit, thanks a lot. I . Am. Screwed.
We start this label thing at a very young age, we see in order to fit into society and even our family we have to fall under the label of obedient, kind, loving, orderly, submissive the list goes on. There is punishment others place on us and we place on ourselves for not being in one of these categories and sadly the fear of loss of love or rejection will push us into submission and we will let this label land on us , branding us for life. We also see how those with "bad labels" are treated , they are rejected, punished, others try to bend their wills and force them to conform. No thanks none of that for me so I will quietly let others place the label on me .
What would a world without labels look like? To some it is very scary. If I can't put you with a penis under the label of male then that is not ok. This is the reaction of most. If I can't fit you into a box in my head then I feel out of control. Labels, forcing others to conform, this control is nothing but an illusion. If we could see our true selves outside of this world, body, dimension we would be so shocked. I am each day on not placing labels on myself or others, not forcing anyone into a box, this does mean dropping all society has forced me to believe about right and wring, it means dropping my desire for control and letting others be. It means trusting a great deal that those I want to label and push away will teach me lessons I need to see in myself and then go on about their way because no two vibrations can be together . If you are living at a low vibration and I do not like it, I examine myself, see why I attracted that , deal with me and trust we can't be after that since it is a universal law. What our human side wants to do is try to label and fix everyone around us to make them match us, so then they only bring us happiness.
Having children will do this fast , I was taught in this crazy ass church ( yet it is popular Christian theme) , to force my children into obedience, to break their will, to make sure you "spare the rod so you don't spoil the child" oh and someone decided the whole train your children in the way they should go means that you need to control every aspect of them and use physical means if you must. I just always wondered how such a loving God they claim to believe in would want you to label your children, each other, and yourself as bad based on societies judgments and standards , then if those are not met label them as bad.
Even to this day I refuse to be labeled. Someone will ask " are you Wiccan"? umm no, " are you new age"? ummm no, then what are you ?? I am just me . I am a spiritual being that has been here many times and is a part of source energy, I am learning , growing, and using the tools , gifts , talents I have to expand my consciousness. If they aren't satisfied or scratching their head, well they probably wouldn't understand no matter the explanation.
It isn't always easy. Judgment, control, and labeling others seem to be such a well known familiar part of being a human . I still do my best to remember these valuable lessons I have learned, I can testify that all of your relationships even the one with yourself , will be so much more enjoyable, relaxed, and peaceful if you will stop labeling, stop judging, and stop trying to control.... In the great words of the Beatles " Let It Be" .
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
Sunday, January 17, 2016
When you realize it really works.
So , now that the Leo in me was able to roar a bit , I want to come back to what I originally wanted to talk about. I will set the stage here first.
I have talked a little about my teenage years and how getting preggo at 17 saved my life, and that it caused me to work hard and do my best, yet I had it in my mind I wouldn't go too far in life. After getting married and joining this church I attempted to find my place in the domestic world. All the women around me were most stay at home moms , having many children and seeming to be blissful little Laura Ingles. I fell for this because HELLO , I am a mom, I am good at it and if I am never going to amount to much why not make this my only aspiration??
After my divorce I went back onto the work world for a year, I was good at my job and all , but not having all my children with me full time, being shoved into this new life I did not want, the depression, the crazy schedule ... It was not okay. This is when I decided to follow my heart. I realized " hey I am really good at caring for children" not just my own but I had worked at daycares , I had taken childcare courses in school etc. I took a huge leap of faith and said I am quitting my job to pursure staying at home and caring for children in my home. This would allow me to be with my babies the whole time they were with me ( we spilt 50/50 time). I was scared and I knew if this didn't work out I would be moving into government housing until I found a new job.
I put an add in the church paper that I was doing childcare, I heard nothing. Then literally the same day I was going to sign a lease in a section 8 apartment, I got a phone call. I had my first childcare job! After that I finally had to rent a house because I had too many kids lol. By the summer of 2010 I had 2 employees and 10 children ( not including my own). I lived each day in total faith that everything would work out, I would have the money I needed to raise my kids etc. In one week I had my rent covered!!
Let's fast forward a bit, after getting married , winning a court battle and getting my kids full time, winning another court battle and getting my stepkids full time I was burned out on childcare. Yet, I had made it a false truth in my mind that this was all I could aspire to do . I would get so bored, frustrated and burned out. We made 2 moves in 2014 and then another in 2015 , each time I said I am finished with childcare , I will be doing what I want ... Nope! Each time I got scared because of money issues and thought well, I guess I need to do the only thing I am good at , so yes each time I started keeping kids again. Now of course in the church I left you were taught you do whatever it is you do and do your best, be grateful, and do not complain. This meant each time I would be restless and miserable , I would also feel guilty. Damn Shawna can't you just be happy you even have a job, this would play in my head. I never stopped long enough to think about what makes me happy, what would I really like to do?? This is the theme that played so long, you don't think about yourself, you just do whatever you have to do so that everyone around you is happy and I have to do my part.
My breaking point hit and it hit hard. For months I kept telling myself " I am going to give my notice at the end of this month, each time there would be some money issue or something I needed to pay so I stayed. My husband and my awesome mentor (Tonya Melendez Tarot life coach) pushed me to the point where I knew I at least had to face my fears of rejection and failure , so my girls and I started our bead business, then I started getting the word out that I am an energy healer, empath, intuitive, tarot reader etc. I thought my mentor was going to choke me a few times , my excuse was well I need to study more, or get this certificate, she said fuck a piece of paper lol.. After doing some deep guided meditation she helped me to see I have been a healer more than one time in a coule past lives, this is who I am so I do not need outside validation.
The fears I had to face were HUGE, I never thought it would be so hard. To go deep inside and squash all the false beliefs you have told yourself is a big thing. I had to finally believe I am more that a stay at home mom/wife, I am more and can do so much more than care for children, that I deserve more, I am worth more. This also ties into fears about money, security etc. The day I finally dried my self pity tears , I said fuck it, it is now or never! I had to decided to REALLY trust the universe, source energy, and know if god is in me and I am god , then I can friggin do this. My motto became " I am guided ( by source) so I am also provided for and protected. I had to believe that even though by me quitting my job we may not have grocery money, or my husbands new job may not cover rent etc etc... The fear list goes on and on. I said FUCK YOU FEAR . I will be grateful for all I have, I will trust I will have all I need and I WILL follow my passion.
At first I just put the word out there and told myself when I start to get clients then I will give my notice for my job. Nothing happened, again here come the tears and my mind starts telling me " see you were right, your life will only consist of childcare and your dreams will never come true, so just stop while you are ahead. I Emailed my mentor with all my self pity spilling over, she plainly said " Boo boo you will get nowhere with this fear , you can't follow your dreams and live in fear at the same time", I was a bit pissed because I seemed like a hopeless case. See for me , I lived with this awful back pain, I finally learned that it hit when I started to stress about money, feeling hopeless etc. I was fed up! I told my husband okay this is seriously enough, I am giving my notice , I am letting go , and I will follow my hearts desire and be happy now no matter what.. This was just last week lol, guess what happened?? Last week I had 2 tarot clients, and I had a client come for soul tie cutting, and I had someone schedule for an hour intuitive coaching, energy healing,and chakra cleansing. I was shocked! I finally got it!
I had to get clear of my past fear, I had to let go of that old shitty story I created for myself, I had to realize it is time to start a new story and believe it. I know I am worth so much more, I am choosing to fully follow my passions , so yep I did it, I gave my notice on Friday. Fear tried to rear it's ugly head. Fear tried to say how the hell will the bills get paid? What if you do not get anymore clients blah blah... I won't hear it, I know and firmly believe now that by letting go of the old shit , those doors finally opened and I am running into, not looking back. I will follow my hearts desire , knowing the universe will give me all I request.
What about you? What is your old story you are telling yourself or letting others tell you? Are you following your true hearts desire? Do you have a million fear excuses that tell you why now is not the time? Sweetie there is no better time than now. Once you let the fear and old shit go , take a step in the direction of your dreams the universe starts to open doors, it's like I can the universe say " that a girl, now you are actually doing what you claim to want , instead of vibrating out of lack and fear.
I am living proof that it is real . No, I don't have a huge prosperous business, but I am just getting started and I will not let fear stop me! It is funny because following my deepest passion just keeps bringing up more and more. It was just healing, then tarot, then intuitive coaching, now I am beading, I am starting to write, and write poetry, I am starting up my photography again, I will be creating all natural personal items to sell, I want to start on a book lol. The list keeps growing. The things I thought I had to hide away to just survive are all still there , and there is no better time than now. Watch out world because I am just getting started. I would encourage you to do the same. So, maybe you can't just up quit your day job, I get that, yet what are your desires? What are those hobbies you have just pushed away? It could be painting or creating even once a day, writing again, maybe you love photography, so get the camera out on the weekends and just start creating from your heart. Trust me you will not regret it, and I know the universe is backing you, your angels are all guiding you waiting for you to just take that step. Fuck fear, let go, pursue your dreams like a lover ( that is a Tonya quote lol)
No better time than now!!!!
I have talked a little about my teenage years and how getting preggo at 17 saved my life, and that it caused me to work hard and do my best, yet I had it in my mind I wouldn't go too far in life. After getting married and joining this church I attempted to find my place in the domestic world. All the women around me were most stay at home moms , having many children and seeming to be blissful little Laura Ingles. I fell for this because HELLO , I am a mom, I am good at it and if I am never going to amount to much why not make this my only aspiration??
After my divorce I went back onto the work world for a year, I was good at my job and all , but not having all my children with me full time, being shoved into this new life I did not want, the depression, the crazy schedule ... It was not okay. This is when I decided to follow my heart. I realized " hey I am really good at caring for children" not just my own but I had worked at daycares , I had taken childcare courses in school etc. I took a huge leap of faith and said I am quitting my job to pursure staying at home and caring for children in my home. This would allow me to be with my babies the whole time they were with me ( we spilt 50/50 time). I was scared and I knew if this didn't work out I would be moving into government housing until I found a new job.
I put an add in the church paper that I was doing childcare, I heard nothing. Then literally the same day I was going to sign a lease in a section 8 apartment, I got a phone call. I had my first childcare job! After that I finally had to rent a house because I had too many kids lol. By the summer of 2010 I had 2 employees and 10 children ( not including my own). I lived each day in total faith that everything would work out, I would have the money I needed to raise my kids etc. In one week I had my rent covered!!
Let's fast forward a bit, after getting married , winning a court battle and getting my kids full time, winning another court battle and getting my stepkids full time I was burned out on childcare. Yet, I had made it a false truth in my mind that this was all I could aspire to do . I would get so bored, frustrated and burned out. We made 2 moves in 2014 and then another in 2015 , each time I said I am finished with childcare , I will be doing what I want ... Nope! Each time I got scared because of money issues and thought well, I guess I need to do the only thing I am good at , so yes each time I started keeping kids again. Now of course in the church I left you were taught you do whatever it is you do and do your best, be grateful, and do not complain. This meant each time I would be restless and miserable , I would also feel guilty. Damn Shawna can't you just be happy you even have a job, this would play in my head. I never stopped long enough to think about what makes me happy, what would I really like to do?? This is the theme that played so long, you don't think about yourself, you just do whatever you have to do so that everyone around you is happy and I have to do my part.
My breaking point hit and it hit hard. For months I kept telling myself " I am going to give my notice at the end of this month, each time there would be some money issue or something I needed to pay so I stayed. My husband and my awesome mentor (Tonya Melendez Tarot life coach) pushed me to the point where I knew I at least had to face my fears of rejection and failure , so my girls and I started our bead business, then I started getting the word out that I am an energy healer, empath, intuitive, tarot reader etc. I thought my mentor was going to choke me a few times , my excuse was well I need to study more, or get this certificate, she said fuck a piece of paper lol.. After doing some deep guided meditation she helped me to see I have been a healer more than one time in a coule past lives, this is who I am so I do not need outside validation.
The fears I had to face were HUGE, I never thought it would be so hard. To go deep inside and squash all the false beliefs you have told yourself is a big thing. I had to finally believe I am more that a stay at home mom/wife, I am more and can do so much more than care for children, that I deserve more, I am worth more. This also ties into fears about money, security etc. The day I finally dried my self pity tears , I said fuck it, it is now or never! I had to decided to REALLY trust the universe, source energy, and know if god is in me and I am god , then I can friggin do this. My motto became " I am guided ( by source) so I am also provided for and protected. I had to believe that even though by me quitting my job we may not have grocery money, or my husbands new job may not cover rent etc etc... The fear list goes on and on. I said FUCK YOU FEAR . I will be grateful for all I have, I will trust I will have all I need and I WILL follow my passion.
At first I just put the word out there and told myself when I start to get clients then I will give my notice for my job. Nothing happened, again here come the tears and my mind starts telling me " see you were right, your life will only consist of childcare and your dreams will never come true, so just stop while you are ahead. I Emailed my mentor with all my self pity spilling over, she plainly said " Boo boo you will get nowhere with this fear , you can't follow your dreams and live in fear at the same time", I was a bit pissed because I seemed like a hopeless case. See for me , I lived with this awful back pain, I finally learned that it hit when I started to stress about money, feeling hopeless etc. I was fed up! I told my husband okay this is seriously enough, I am giving my notice , I am letting go , and I will follow my hearts desire and be happy now no matter what.. This was just last week lol, guess what happened?? Last week I had 2 tarot clients, and I had a client come for soul tie cutting, and I had someone schedule for an hour intuitive coaching, energy healing,and chakra cleansing. I was shocked! I finally got it!
I had to get clear of my past fear, I had to let go of that old shitty story I created for myself, I had to realize it is time to start a new story and believe it. I know I am worth so much more, I am choosing to fully follow my passions , so yep I did it, I gave my notice on Friday. Fear tried to rear it's ugly head. Fear tried to say how the hell will the bills get paid? What if you do not get anymore clients blah blah... I won't hear it, I know and firmly believe now that by letting go of the old shit , those doors finally opened and I am running into, not looking back. I will follow my hearts desire , knowing the universe will give me all I request.
What about you? What is your old story you are telling yourself or letting others tell you? Are you following your true hearts desire? Do you have a million fear excuses that tell you why now is not the time? Sweetie there is no better time than now. Once you let the fear and old shit go , take a step in the direction of your dreams the universe starts to open doors, it's like I can the universe say " that a girl, now you are actually doing what you claim to want , instead of vibrating out of lack and fear.
I am living proof that it is real . No, I don't have a huge prosperous business, but I am just getting started and I will not let fear stop me! It is funny because following my deepest passion just keeps bringing up more and more. It was just healing, then tarot, then intuitive coaching, now I am beading, I am starting to write, and write poetry, I am starting up my photography again, I will be creating all natural personal items to sell, I want to start on a book lol. The list keeps growing. The things I thought I had to hide away to just survive are all still there , and there is no better time than now. Watch out world because I am just getting started. I would encourage you to do the same. So, maybe you can't just up quit your day job, I get that, yet what are your desires? What are those hobbies you have just pushed away? It could be painting or creating even once a day, writing again, maybe you love photography, so get the camera out on the weekends and just start creating from your heart. Trust me you will not regret it, and I know the universe is backing you, your angels are all guiding you waiting for you to just take that step. Fuck fear, let go, pursue your dreams like a lover ( that is a Tonya quote lol)
No better time than now!!!!
Friday, January 15, 2016
Getting Real
I had intended to write about another amazing thing that is happening in my life, I wanted to share how finally letting go of my past shit, the stuff I have been carting around for so long ( thinking I am stuck with a certain job, thinking I deserve only what I have been given and so on) when I stopped.. I mean really stopped.. When I started to tell myself I am more than that, I am worth more than that etc guess what?? All those closed doors are opening in all areas of my life. I thought I could bang on these doors and I could just carry all my old baggage with me into a new phase of my life, UMMMM NO.. It doesn't work like that at all. It has to go.. All of it, the memories, the thoughts, the pictures, the shirts etc! Get it out and allow the new things to come in.. It really does work ..
Then I got pissed today .. I am pissed that anyone would assume that me, myself , and I have made choices out of neediness or fear.. see before some ever thought about stepping out of their comfort boxes I had been there , done that , and got a shirt. I know what being alone is like, I know what being a single parent is like ( oh and it isn't pawning my kids off to the other parent so I can go be a single girl and "find myself").. I made choices that I knew deep down were right for ME.
Some are scratching your heads .. After leaving this crazy abusive church I was pushed to the forefront because I wasn't scared to speak my mind and fight . You might think that is fine and dandy but it isn't. I have backed away and I keep seeing random people in the forefront now trying to lead some revolution from behind the scenes..
I am sick of seeing swords put in the hands of hurting and wounded and they are expected to fight?? I am sick of seeing hurting people that still carry all their shit right out in the open ( they think this is being "real" ) trying to keep poking the dragon... STOP IT.
You are doing nothing and you are getting nowhere!
I moved back out of the forefront because I realized that I needed to heal, I needed to find my truth. I need to help these other wounded and hurting people to even begin to stand stong .. If you are out there all wounded and hurting, still living out of those hurts and wounds you are a dog chasing your tail. Once you find healing and your truth then you can assist those around you , then you can be on the same page to fight together for something. All of the peaceful leaders of the past they didn't go around angry being sarcastic just trying to stir up immature strife to get attention.. They had their own amazing experiences that they could then go out and share with others. They were all about helping and guiding others into peace, love, enlightment.
Some are so obvious in their self pity, their wounds, their anger going around randomly causing riffs and thinking they have really done something, no friend all you are doing is creating chaos, confusion, and strife. Stop! Get healed , find your truth, something real you can share with others.. give them something to hope in, show them change! Then together as one change can come.
As for those still so concerned for me, I might not be in the forefront and you can claim I backed down, that I don't care, or that my husband is controlling me (LOL) but I got back to go inside myself. To dig hard and find my truth and now I follow my passion and I help others to heal and to find their truth so they can stand strong in the face of any opposition.
IT STARTS IN YOU , and if you aren't being the change, the light, the higher self etc everyone can see your bullshit. This doesn't mean we are perfect, or we should not be real .. We are very real and messed up, but we when we are digging, searching, giving.. it shows.
Then I got pissed today .. I am pissed that anyone would assume that me, myself , and I have made choices out of neediness or fear.. see before some ever thought about stepping out of their comfort boxes I had been there , done that , and got a shirt. I know what being alone is like, I know what being a single parent is like ( oh and it isn't pawning my kids off to the other parent so I can go be a single girl and "find myself").. I made choices that I knew deep down were right for ME.
Some are scratching your heads .. After leaving this crazy abusive church I was pushed to the forefront because I wasn't scared to speak my mind and fight . You might think that is fine and dandy but it isn't. I have backed away and I keep seeing random people in the forefront now trying to lead some revolution from behind the scenes..
I am sick of seeing swords put in the hands of hurting and wounded and they are expected to fight?? I am sick of seeing hurting people that still carry all their shit right out in the open ( they think this is being "real" ) trying to keep poking the dragon... STOP IT.
You are doing nothing and you are getting nowhere!
I moved back out of the forefront because I realized that I needed to heal, I needed to find my truth. I need to help these other wounded and hurting people to even begin to stand stong .. If you are out there all wounded and hurting, still living out of those hurts and wounds you are a dog chasing your tail. Once you find healing and your truth then you can assist those around you , then you can be on the same page to fight together for something. All of the peaceful leaders of the past they didn't go around angry being sarcastic just trying to stir up immature strife to get attention.. They had their own amazing experiences that they could then go out and share with others. They were all about helping and guiding others into peace, love, enlightment.
Some are so obvious in their self pity, their wounds, their anger going around randomly causing riffs and thinking they have really done something, no friend all you are doing is creating chaos, confusion, and strife. Stop! Get healed , find your truth, something real you can share with others.. give them something to hope in, show them change! Then together as one change can come.
As for those still so concerned for me, I might not be in the forefront and you can claim I backed down, that I don't care, or that my husband is controlling me (LOL) but I got back to go inside myself. To dig hard and find my truth and now I follow my passion and I help others to heal and to find their truth so they can stand strong in the face of any opposition.
IT STARTS IN YOU , and if you aren't being the change, the light, the higher self etc everyone can see your bullshit. This doesn't mean we are perfect, or we should not be real .. We are very real and messed up, but we when we are digging, searching, giving.. it shows.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Mindfulness?? HUH???
It has been a couple of days since my last post. What I am learning is that you just don't have this wonderful spiritual awakening and then it is all roses from there on. You are constantly dealing with the mirrors in your life, seeing the yuck about yourself, because, after all that is what it is about right? Looking inside instead of out.
The knew topic I have been wrestling with is this whole mindfulness thing, it is after all one of Buddha's 8 paths to enlightment, it caught my eye and I can't shake it. Therefore I know I about to come face to face with this lol. So what is mindfulness? I am glad you asked.
Mindfulness... The acceptance of all, the avoiding of harsh judgments.
Acceptance... You acknowledge whatever you are feeling , you take a step back and do not dfine yourself by it.
This can be in outward situation, other people, your thought and emotions.
One example is , you are on your way to work, already rushing and you get a flat tire. If it was me, normally I would be super angry and cussing etc. Instead you step back, do not judge the situation as bad and just handle it then go on about your day. See, the situation is there no matter if you like it or not, yet we have a get of jail free card from getting emotions in an uproar that help or change nothing. Also, by judging the situation as bad you are now on a downward spiral to low vibrations of anger, self pity etc that will only manifest more of the same situations for you.
At times our emotions can seem way bigger than us, in fact they feel like they rule us. This can be changed by mindfulness as well. When you feel and acknowledge an emotion you do not like , you then label it as bad, then you start yourself on this mental rollercoaster of OMG that emotion is negative, OMG I am such an awful person, it goes on and on. Instead of playing that game let's try this, when an emotion arises let's ask it some questions and explore it. Where is it in your body? What feeling is it creating? maybe even locate memories associated with that feeling. Then you will start to realize that emotion is way smaller than you , and in fact you control it not vice versa . Next take interest in the emotion, tell yourself it is okay to sit with it and really feel it. When we resist emotions and feelings after labeling them as bad we only make it grow larger. No more labeling it bad, no more resisting and making it grow into panic or anxiety. Let us just let it be. Examine, allow yourself to feel it, and know this too shall pass.
Mindfulness is the art of acceptance, it is the opposite of resistance, no more rejecting or trying to push away. Another big part of this is trying to reject our currant situations life has found us in.
So I see many things in my life that I want to change, inward and outward. I actually had to come face to face with the resistance I had toward things in my life. Never realizing this resistance was causing more negative. I have learned it is okay to want change, to wish for change, yet, when you start crave something different, cave something new, change or whatever it may be, that longing leads to unhappiness. Craving something different than what you are experiencing now creates a unhealthy form of dissatisfaction towards our currant circumstance. Then we of course start rejecting that currant reality we are in.
You can now see a clear picture I am sure, of how this has worked in your own life and how it can help change. I get it, doing what makes you feel good, following your desires etc yep that feels good. Yet, just escaping each situation we are in because we decided to label it bad and crave something opposite of we claim is bad is setting us up for failure after failure. We all have a beast in us that is never satisfied, yet, through mindfulness we are able to stop judging situations and sit with what we have at the moment instead of going with emotions and then taking action on those emotions.
I have not in any way mastered this, it actually crept up and hit me between the eyes the past couple days, I do however see clearly how it can work for the good, and how much my resistance and judging only brings me more of what I do not want, so my fellow seekers I am willing to give it my best and I hope you are as well :)
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
The knew topic I have been wrestling with is this whole mindfulness thing, it is after all one of Buddha's 8 paths to enlightment, it caught my eye and I can't shake it. Therefore I know I about to come face to face with this lol. So what is mindfulness? I am glad you asked.
Mindfulness... The acceptance of all, the avoiding of harsh judgments.
Acceptance... You acknowledge whatever you are feeling , you take a step back and do not dfine yourself by it.
This can be in outward situation, other people, your thought and emotions.
One example is , you are on your way to work, already rushing and you get a flat tire. If it was me, normally I would be super angry and cussing etc. Instead you step back, do not judge the situation as bad and just handle it then go on about your day. See, the situation is there no matter if you like it or not, yet we have a get of jail free card from getting emotions in an uproar that help or change nothing. Also, by judging the situation as bad you are now on a downward spiral to low vibrations of anger, self pity etc that will only manifest more of the same situations for you.
At times our emotions can seem way bigger than us, in fact they feel like they rule us. This can be changed by mindfulness as well. When you feel and acknowledge an emotion you do not like , you then label it as bad, then you start yourself on this mental rollercoaster of OMG that emotion is negative, OMG I am such an awful person, it goes on and on. Instead of playing that game let's try this, when an emotion arises let's ask it some questions and explore it. Where is it in your body? What feeling is it creating? maybe even locate memories associated with that feeling. Then you will start to realize that emotion is way smaller than you , and in fact you control it not vice versa . Next take interest in the emotion, tell yourself it is okay to sit with it and really feel it. When we resist emotions and feelings after labeling them as bad we only make it grow larger. No more labeling it bad, no more resisting and making it grow into panic or anxiety. Let us just let it be. Examine, allow yourself to feel it, and know this too shall pass.
Mindfulness is the art of acceptance, it is the opposite of resistance, no more rejecting or trying to push away. Another big part of this is trying to reject our currant situations life has found us in.
So I see many things in my life that I want to change, inward and outward. I actually had to come face to face with the resistance I had toward things in my life. Never realizing this resistance was causing more negative. I have learned it is okay to want change, to wish for change, yet, when you start crave something different, cave something new, change or whatever it may be, that longing leads to unhappiness. Craving something different than what you are experiencing now creates a unhealthy form of dissatisfaction towards our currant circumstance. Then we of course start rejecting that currant reality we are in.
You can now see a clear picture I am sure, of how this has worked in your own life and how it can help change. I get it, doing what makes you feel good, following your desires etc yep that feels good. Yet, just escaping each situation we are in because we decided to label it bad and crave something opposite of we claim is bad is setting us up for failure after failure. We all have a beast in us that is never satisfied, yet, through mindfulness we are able to stop judging situations and sit with what we have at the moment instead of going with emotions and then taking action on those emotions.
I have not in any way mastered this, it actually crept up and hit me between the eyes the past couple days, I do however see clearly how it can work for the good, and how much my resistance and judging only brings me more of what I do not want, so my fellow seekers I am willing to give it my best and I hope you are as well :)
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
When the sage burns away.
So , yesterday was a super shitty day for myself. It started to spill over into today .. After getting the kids off to school and holding back tears I had been crying all night, I laid in my bed, no motivation, feeling and looking like shit, I knew it was one of "those" moments. You know when you have to actually put into practice all the stuff that you claim to believe. I stared at the ceiling, I knew what I had to do. See, I am a lot of things but a quitter is not one. I mean sometimes I try to beg myself to just give up, but I can't. Usually , you have to say THERE IS NO HOPE SO STOP. I might listen lol. I firmly believe that you can change things for the better by starting with yourself.
So I looked deep inside and came face to face with what I knew was there. See, for years I have been hiding. I have been hiding behind Jesus and church and the bible, I have tried to smile and have the perfect damn Brady Bunch family.. When it all started to crumble , I would numb out. Whatever to put a smile on my face, grit and bear it a little longer. This is no longer an option for me and I get that. I have to come face to face with the mirror that my husband holds us, the mirror having a blended family and how fucking hard it is .. I have to face my fears of putting myself out there, fear of failure. NO MORE HIDING.
I looked up at the ceiling and I said fuck it, let's rock this bitch. So here I am .. For far too long I let my image of the god or Jesus in the sky who is at all times judging me also give me a free card. On one hand I felt way too unworthy and like a failure but on the other hand there is a sense of never taking responsibility for anything in your life because all you have to do is pray. Then you just wait, and wait.. If nothing changes, well hhmmppff guess it wasn't gods will so it all stays the same.
This falls into knowing and realizing Jesus was a human on this earth just trying to show up that we all have god in us, we are all part of god, we can walk on water, perform miracles, heal others etc just as well when we tap into god in us ( that whole kingdom of god within talk). Yet, too many are so scared to do this just as I was. I have been way too scared to face what situations, and people have been bringing up in me.. so I just pray and push it down deep, I numb my emotions. I now see that I have all the ability in me to get the hell up and make this life effing great!
We all want a hero, we all want someone outside of us to be our everything. This is the Catholic church decided hundreds of years after Jesus dies, oh hold on we will make him god, so we can all have a hero to look to , a savior. We do this to others in our lives as well, kids, parents, spouse, partner etc. We have this illusion called control and we want to hold on so tight and make this person the perfect version to bring us happiness.... my friend this is nothing more that a lie and illusion. People come into our lives to show us where we need to heal and grow and all our flaws inside, they bring joy as well, but, if you aren't giving them the freedom to be themselves, if you can't just hold space for them to grow to their best versions, they won't stick around long, or maybe you won't. You will move onto the next " savior" you see fit for the job.
All of this to say , you and I have all that wonderful god stuff right inside if we will just look inside and open up. Inside is letting us know the problem and the solution. During this amazing time of retrograde that I chose to start some deep inside cleaning and healing LOL , I would challenge you as well. Retrograde time is a time to see all that yuck unhealed stuff come up and finally say enough is enough, and start to listen. Nothing outside of you can save you, yes when you are in alignment source energy, the universe , etc all start working with you to create the world you want, but until then spinning your wheels hoping Jesus will fly down and magically rescue you ... well I wouldn't hold your breath love lol.
That is all for today! Go rock this day and don't forget it is Mercury Retrograde!
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
So I looked deep inside and came face to face with what I knew was there. See, for years I have been hiding. I have been hiding behind Jesus and church and the bible, I have tried to smile and have the perfect damn Brady Bunch family.. When it all started to crumble , I would numb out. Whatever to put a smile on my face, grit and bear it a little longer. This is no longer an option for me and I get that. I have to come face to face with the mirror that my husband holds us, the mirror having a blended family and how fucking hard it is .. I have to face my fears of putting myself out there, fear of failure. NO MORE HIDING.
I looked up at the ceiling and I said fuck it, let's rock this bitch. So here I am .. For far too long I let my image of the god or Jesus in the sky who is at all times judging me also give me a free card. On one hand I felt way too unworthy and like a failure but on the other hand there is a sense of never taking responsibility for anything in your life because all you have to do is pray. Then you just wait, and wait.. If nothing changes, well hhmmppff guess it wasn't gods will so it all stays the same.
This falls into knowing and realizing Jesus was a human on this earth just trying to show up that we all have god in us, we are all part of god, we can walk on water, perform miracles, heal others etc just as well when we tap into god in us ( that whole kingdom of god within talk). Yet, too many are so scared to do this just as I was. I have been way too scared to face what situations, and people have been bringing up in me.. so I just pray and push it down deep, I numb my emotions. I now see that I have all the ability in me to get the hell up and make this life effing great!
We all want a hero, we all want someone outside of us to be our everything. This is the Catholic church decided hundreds of years after Jesus dies, oh hold on we will make him god, so we can all have a hero to look to , a savior. We do this to others in our lives as well, kids, parents, spouse, partner etc. We have this illusion called control and we want to hold on so tight and make this person the perfect version to bring us happiness.... my friend this is nothing more that a lie and illusion. People come into our lives to show us where we need to heal and grow and all our flaws inside, they bring joy as well, but, if you aren't giving them the freedom to be themselves, if you can't just hold space for them to grow to their best versions, they won't stick around long, or maybe you won't. You will move onto the next " savior" you see fit for the job.
All of this to say , you and I have all that wonderful god stuff right inside if we will just look inside and open up. Inside is letting us know the problem and the solution. During this amazing time of retrograde that I chose to start some deep inside cleaning and healing LOL , I would challenge you as well. Retrograde time is a time to see all that yuck unhealed stuff come up and finally say enough is enough, and start to listen. Nothing outside of you can save you, yes when you are in alignment source energy, the universe , etc all start working with you to create the world you want, but until then spinning your wheels hoping Jesus will fly down and magically rescue you ... well I wouldn't hold your breath love lol.
That is all for today! Go rock this day and don't forget it is Mercury Retrograde!
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Spirituality
Yeah so the title sounds like a million articles, videos, 101 courses I have read and watched over the past year. I get it , sometimes it can seem mundane. Yet, for myself. this has been life changing. I became very religious and I hated it, I was living in fear and surrounded by people that only could look outward. They had no clue how to look inside, if you would ask " how then is the kingdom of god within" or ask anything for that matter, you were deemed rebellious and shunned. It can be hard to look inside. It can be hard finding out god is right inside of you , he the great spirit that is in the stars. the waves of the ocean, each human , each animal. We so bad want to look outward for answers, to look outward when everything falls apart. To think love, hate, good, bad come from some guy in the clouds.
The biggest part of spirituality for myself, is it causes me to look deep inside. To see how I am creating my reality, how my wounds and pain effect my reality, look at all the mirrors of people in my reality and see what they say about me. See it all points back to me. I can no longer blame anyone or anything, I can no longer look outside of me for validation, happiness, peace. At first when I decided to leave this very religious , controlling, abusive church I wanted to be DONE with god, jesus, the bible, you name it! I was so frustrated because in praying to be led to the truth I had been led to things that were so opposite of Christianity and it even made me question the authenticity of the bible, jesus etc. So I decided to just wash my hands of it all. I did however know that I could not be atheist since I clearly believed something outside of us, something bigger and greater did create us and put that spark of life in all things.
As a child as far back as I can remember I was obsessed with the spirit world, I remember vivd and scary at times encounters. By the age of 8 I was having séances with all the neighborhood kids, I wanted to be a ghost hunter so bad. I also checked out books of spells at the library and was trying to cast spells lol. So after leaving the church and struggling with my beliefs in god etc, I turned to WIcca and witchcraft... please before you show up at my door with pitchforks ready to burn me , just know that no it is not evil or bad. It is about using the forces of nature, natural herbs, and setting intentions that Christians do when they pray ( same type of thing) and no there is no devil in witchcraft lol. This was a good place to start but getting over the fear and trauma that god now hates you and you are going to hell isn't easy. So, as always I dove into books and study. I learned about the Law of Attraction, I have met some amazing people and mentors, I have found some amazing authors , bloggers, vloggers etc.
I now have my beliefs and yes they are ever evolving. I found those "gifts " I had back in the Christian world, yep they are still there and yep they can still be used for the good of others. When I was in this Christian circle, I wanted so bad to love and help others heal , to share my love, my experiences, and knowledge to reach out to other hurting people. I was not allowed to. I tried to have women's bible studies but was condemned since I wasn't teaching the doctrine of the church. I was so upset because I felt my deepest desires would never happen. I am so glad I did not give up! Now I know that I am an empath, intuitive, clairsentient, healer. I found out my deep desire that started at the age of 9 to be an archeologist was due to the fact in more than one past life I was a healer. In ancient Egypt and as a native American to name a couple. So I have the overwhelming desire to help others heal.
Even in my birth chart over and over it talks about I am to be a healer and chiron is the wounded healer and it's effect on my life etc. Once I found it, once others validated it, something happened though. I was scared. I started looking to tools to do the "magic" tarot, oracle, etc because it was so hard to believe that yes this is me and it is coming out. Such a fear of failure. Like my mentor tells me , you can't live in fear and love at the same time. So here I am , on the verge of my dreams. I will now ask you , what are you holding back? What are those deep desires you are afraid to let out? Those dreams you push away and make excuses why you don't do them? That is your heart, your calling, your passion, follow it! Yes it can be scary and no I don't know your life so maybe you can't just jump all in, you can however start small and let that grow.
See when I realized life isn't just to live, work, accumulate, then die, I was forever changed. We were sent here to experience, to love, to have abundance, to bring our passion, talent, and gifts to others. The illusion of living to earn money then dying is a sad one indeed. Here is some wisdom that was given to me that helps me each day. " whatever I ask , I will receive" .. plain Law of Attraction at work, so be clear and careful what you are asking for even inside. " I am divinely guided, so I am provided for and protected". When you step out of the way , when you lay aside all doctrine and religion, and you realize that the universe, source energy, god, holy spirit, are all for you , that they are on your side, that they want great for you and you yourself are a co- creator in our life oh my it is a huge awakening! Trust, let go, start creating the reality you want , not the one forced on you or one you hate. Later I will get into my ideas about jesus, god, angels, universe whatever you want to call it lol. For now , just like I had to let the 9 year old archeologist out of me, so she can dig deep and finding truth, she can heal and give that to others, let whoever out of you that is banging on your hearts door.
The biggest part of spirituality for myself, is it causes me to look deep inside. To see how I am creating my reality, how my wounds and pain effect my reality, look at all the mirrors of people in my reality and see what they say about me. See it all points back to me. I can no longer blame anyone or anything, I can no longer look outside of me for validation, happiness, peace. At first when I decided to leave this very religious , controlling, abusive church I wanted to be DONE with god, jesus, the bible, you name it! I was so frustrated because in praying to be led to the truth I had been led to things that were so opposite of Christianity and it even made me question the authenticity of the bible, jesus etc. So I decided to just wash my hands of it all. I did however know that I could not be atheist since I clearly believed something outside of us, something bigger and greater did create us and put that spark of life in all things.
As a child as far back as I can remember I was obsessed with the spirit world, I remember vivd and scary at times encounters. By the age of 8 I was having séances with all the neighborhood kids, I wanted to be a ghost hunter so bad. I also checked out books of spells at the library and was trying to cast spells lol. So after leaving the church and struggling with my beliefs in god etc, I turned to WIcca and witchcraft... please before you show up at my door with pitchforks ready to burn me , just know that no it is not evil or bad. It is about using the forces of nature, natural herbs, and setting intentions that Christians do when they pray ( same type of thing) and no there is no devil in witchcraft lol. This was a good place to start but getting over the fear and trauma that god now hates you and you are going to hell isn't easy. So, as always I dove into books and study. I learned about the Law of Attraction, I have met some amazing people and mentors, I have found some amazing authors , bloggers, vloggers etc.
I now have my beliefs and yes they are ever evolving. I found those "gifts " I had back in the Christian world, yep they are still there and yep they can still be used for the good of others. When I was in this Christian circle, I wanted so bad to love and help others heal , to share my love, my experiences, and knowledge to reach out to other hurting people. I was not allowed to. I tried to have women's bible studies but was condemned since I wasn't teaching the doctrine of the church. I was so upset because I felt my deepest desires would never happen. I am so glad I did not give up! Now I know that I am an empath, intuitive, clairsentient, healer. I found out my deep desire that started at the age of 9 to be an archeologist was due to the fact in more than one past life I was a healer. In ancient Egypt and as a native American to name a couple. So I have the overwhelming desire to help others heal.
Even in my birth chart over and over it talks about I am to be a healer and chiron is the wounded healer and it's effect on my life etc. Once I found it, once others validated it, something happened though. I was scared. I started looking to tools to do the "magic" tarot, oracle, etc because it was so hard to believe that yes this is me and it is coming out. Such a fear of failure. Like my mentor tells me , you can't live in fear and love at the same time. So here I am , on the verge of my dreams. I will now ask you , what are you holding back? What are those deep desires you are afraid to let out? Those dreams you push away and make excuses why you don't do them? That is your heart, your calling, your passion, follow it! Yes it can be scary and no I don't know your life so maybe you can't just jump all in, you can however start small and let that grow.
See when I realized life isn't just to live, work, accumulate, then die, I was forever changed. We were sent here to experience, to love, to have abundance, to bring our passion, talent, and gifts to others. The illusion of living to earn money then dying is a sad one indeed. Here is some wisdom that was given to me that helps me each day. " whatever I ask , I will receive" .. plain Law of Attraction at work, so be clear and careful what you are asking for even inside. " I am divinely guided, so I am provided for and protected". When you step out of the way , when you lay aside all doctrine and religion, and you realize that the universe, source energy, god, holy spirit, are all for you , that they are on your side, that they want great for you and you yourself are a co- creator in our life oh my it is a huge awakening! Trust, let go, start creating the reality you want , not the one forced on you or one you hate. Later I will get into my ideas about jesus, god, angels, universe whatever you want to call it lol. For now , just like I had to let the 9 year old archeologist out of me, so she can dig deep and finding truth, she can heal and give that to others, let whoever out of you that is banging on your hearts door.
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