So , now that the Leo in me was able to roar a bit , I want to come back to what I originally wanted to talk about. I will set the stage here first.
I have talked a little about my teenage years and how getting preggo at 17 saved my life, and that it caused me to work hard and do my best, yet I had it in my mind I wouldn't go too far in life. After getting married and joining this church I attempted to find my place in the domestic world. All the women around me were most stay at home moms , having many children and seeming to be blissful little Laura Ingles. I fell for this because HELLO , I am a mom, I am good at it and if I am never going to amount to much why not make this my only aspiration??
After my divorce I went back onto the work world for a year, I was good at my job and all , but not having all my children with me full time, being shoved into this new life I did not want, the depression, the crazy schedule ... It was not okay. This is when I decided to follow my heart. I realized " hey I am really good at caring for children" not just my own but I had worked at daycares , I had taken childcare courses in school etc. I took a huge leap of faith and said I am quitting my job to pursure staying at home and caring for children in my home. This would allow me to be with my babies the whole time they were with me ( we spilt 50/50 time). I was scared and I knew if this didn't work out I would be moving into government housing until I found a new job.
I put an add in the church paper that I was doing childcare, I heard nothing. Then literally the same day I was going to sign a lease in a section 8 apartment, I got a phone call. I had my first childcare job! After that I finally had to rent a house because I had too many kids lol. By the summer of 2010 I had 2 employees and 10 children ( not including my own). I lived each day in total faith that everything would work out, I would have the money I needed to raise my kids etc. In one week I had my rent covered!!
Let's fast forward a bit, after getting married , winning a court battle and getting my kids full time, winning another court battle and getting my stepkids full time I was burned out on childcare. Yet, I had made it a false truth in my mind that this was all I could aspire to do . I would get so bored, frustrated and burned out. We made 2 moves in 2014 and then another in 2015 , each time I said I am finished with childcare , I will be doing what I want ... Nope! Each time I got scared because of money issues and thought well, I guess I need to do the only thing I am good at , so yes each time I started keeping kids again. Now of course in the church I left you were taught you do whatever it is you do and do your best, be grateful, and do not complain. This meant each time I would be restless and miserable , I would also feel guilty. Damn Shawna can't you just be happy you even have a job, this would play in my head. I never stopped long enough to think about what makes me happy, what would I really like to do?? This is the theme that played so long, you don't think about yourself, you just do whatever you have to do so that everyone around you is happy and I have to do my part.
My breaking point hit and it hit hard. For months I kept telling myself " I am going to give my notice at the end of this month, each time there would be some money issue or something I needed to pay so I stayed. My husband and my awesome mentor (Tonya Melendez Tarot life coach) pushed me to the point where I knew I at least had to face my fears of rejection and failure , so my girls and I started our bead business, then I started getting the word out that I am an energy healer, empath, intuitive, tarot reader etc. I thought my mentor was going to choke me a few times , my excuse was well I need to study more, or get this certificate, she said fuck a piece of paper lol.. After doing some deep guided meditation she helped me to see I have been a healer more than one time in a coule past lives, this is who I am so I do not need outside validation.
The fears I had to face were HUGE, I never thought it would be so hard. To go deep inside and squash all the false beliefs you have told yourself is a big thing. I had to finally believe I am more that a stay at home mom/wife, I am more and can do so much more than care for children, that I deserve more, I am worth more. This also ties into fears about money, security etc. The day I finally dried my self pity tears , I said fuck it, it is now or never! I had to decided to REALLY trust the universe, source energy, and know if god is in me and I am god , then I can friggin do this. My motto became " I am guided ( by source) so I am also provided for and protected. I had to believe that even though by me quitting my job we may not have grocery money, or my husbands new job may not cover rent etc etc... The fear list goes on and on. I said FUCK YOU FEAR . I will be grateful for all I have, I will trust I will have all I need and I WILL follow my passion.
At first I just put the word out there and told myself when I start to get clients then I will give my notice for my job. Nothing happened, again here come the tears and my mind starts telling me " see you were right, your life will only consist of childcare and your dreams will never come true, so just stop while you are ahead. I Emailed my mentor with all my self pity spilling over, she plainly said " Boo boo you will get nowhere with this fear , you can't follow your dreams and live in fear at the same time", I was a bit pissed because I seemed like a hopeless case. See for me , I lived with this awful back pain, I finally learned that it hit when I started to stress about money, feeling hopeless etc. I was fed up! I told my husband okay this is seriously enough, I am giving my notice , I am letting go , and I will follow my hearts desire and be happy now no matter what.. This was just last week lol, guess what happened?? Last week I had 2 tarot clients, and I had a client come for soul tie cutting, and I had someone schedule for an hour intuitive coaching, energy healing,and chakra cleansing. I was shocked! I finally got it!
I had to get clear of my past fear, I had to let go of that old shitty story I created for myself, I had to realize it is time to start a new story and believe it. I know I am worth so much more, I am choosing to fully follow my passions , so yep I did it, I gave my notice on Friday. Fear tried to rear it's ugly head. Fear tried to say how the hell will the bills get paid? What if you do not get anymore clients blah blah... I won't hear it, I know and firmly believe now that by letting go of the old shit , those doors finally opened and I am running into, not looking back. I will follow my hearts desire , knowing the universe will give me all I request.
What about you? What is your old story you are telling yourself or letting others tell you? Are you following your true hearts desire? Do you have a million fear excuses that tell you why now is not the time? Sweetie there is no better time than now. Once you let the fear and old shit go , take a step in the direction of your dreams the universe starts to open doors, it's like I can the universe say " that a girl, now you are actually doing what you claim to want , instead of vibrating out of lack and fear.
I am living proof that it is real . No, I don't have a huge prosperous business, but I am just getting started and I will not let fear stop me! It is funny because following my deepest passion just keeps bringing up more and more. It was just healing, then tarot, then intuitive coaching, now I am beading, I am starting to write, and write poetry, I am starting up my photography again, I will be creating all natural personal items to sell, I want to start on a book lol. The list keeps growing. The things I thought I had to hide away to just survive are all still there , and there is no better time than now. Watch out world because I am just getting started. I would encourage you to do the same. So, maybe you can't just up quit your day job, I get that, yet what are your desires? What are those hobbies you have just pushed away? It could be painting or creating even once a day, writing again, maybe you love photography, so get the camera out on the weekends and just start creating from your heart. Trust me you will not regret it, and I know the universe is backing you, your angels are all guiding you waiting for you to just take that step. Fuck fear, let go, pursue your dreams like a lover ( that is a Tonya quote lol)
No better time than now!!!!
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