So , yesterday was a super shitty day for myself. It started to spill over into today .. After getting the kids off to school and holding back tears I had been crying all night, I laid in my bed, no motivation, feeling and looking like shit, I knew it was one of "those" moments. You know when you have to actually put into practice all the stuff that you claim to believe. I stared at the ceiling, I knew what I had to do. See, I am a lot of things but a quitter is not one. I mean sometimes I try to beg myself to just give up, but I can't. Usually , you have to say THERE IS NO HOPE SO STOP. I might listen lol. I firmly believe that you can change things for the better by starting with yourself.
So I looked deep inside and came face to face with what I knew was there. See, for years I have been hiding. I have been hiding behind Jesus and church and the bible, I have tried to smile and have the perfect damn Brady Bunch family.. When it all started to crumble , I would numb out. Whatever to put a smile on my face, grit and bear it a little longer. This is no longer an option for me and I get that. I have to come face to face with the mirror that my husband holds us, the mirror having a blended family and how fucking hard it is .. I have to face my fears of putting myself out there, fear of failure. NO MORE HIDING.
I looked up at the ceiling and I said fuck it, let's rock this bitch. So here I am .. For far too long I let my image of the god or Jesus in the sky who is at all times judging me also give me a free card. On one hand I felt way too unworthy and like a failure but on the other hand there is a sense of never taking responsibility for anything in your life because all you have to do is pray. Then you just wait, and wait.. If nothing changes, well hhmmppff guess it wasn't gods will so it all stays the same.
This falls into knowing and realizing Jesus was a human on this earth just trying to show up that we all have god in us, we are all part of god, we can walk on water, perform miracles, heal others etc just as well when we tap into god in us ( that whole kingdom of god within talk). Yet, too many are so scared to do this just as I was. I have been way too scared to face what situations, and people have been bringing up in me.. so I just pray and push it down deep, I numb my emotions. I now see that I have all the ability in me to get the hell up and make this life effing great!
We all want a hero, we all want someone outside of us to be our everything. This is the Catholic church decided hundreds of years after Jesus dies, oh hold on we will make him god, so we can all have a hero to look to , a savior. We do this to others in our lives as well, kids, parents, spouse, partner etc. We have this illusion called control and we want to hold on so tight and make this person the perfect version to bring us happiness.... my friend this is nothing more that a lie and illusion. People come into our lives to show us where we need to heal and grow and all our flaws inside, they bring joy as well, but, if you aren't giving them the freedom to be themselves, if you can't just hold space for them to grow to their best versions, they won't stick around long, or maybe you won't. You will move onto the next " savior" you see fit for the job.
All of this to say , you and I have all that wonderful god stuff right inside if we will just look inside and open up. Inside is letting us know the problem and the solution. During this amazing time of retrograde that I chose to start some deep inside cleaning and healing LOL , I would challenge you as well. Retrograde time is a time to see all that yuck unhealed stuff come up and finally say enough is enough, and start to listen. Nothing outside of you can save you, yes when you are in alignment source energy, the universe , etc all start working with you to create the world you want, but until then spinning your wheels hoping Jesus will fly down and magically rescue you ... well I wouldn't hold your breath love lol.
That is all for today! Go rock this day and don't forget it is Mercury Retrograde!
So much love, light, and blessings to you all!!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
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