From within

I have taken about a 10 day hide a way, sometimes deep change is needed and to face the demons inside is not easy. So yesterday I felt so much better and thought okay it is time to get with it again. Stop letting each day go by keeping all your ideas, dreams, creativity inside. Today I was driving home from my daily dropping kids off at school, I was talking out loud to my angels, the god and goddess .. I couldn't shake this irritation, this nagging sadness. I asked to see, please let me see.

By the time I got in the door , I went to my altar , I was still speaking, I pulled cards that showed some guidance, instead of gratitude I still have this lingering feeling of discontent. This has happened to me two other times in my life and when it does it totally changes me ( for the good) . All of the sudden these memories start flashing through my mind, someone is speaking to me , showing me so much all at once, the tears start to flow. It is this huge overwhelming feeling of gratitude and feeling sorry for my actions. I was again shown me. I was able to see again how I allowed myself to bring my life to where it ended up. What does this do? It allows you to realize that you do create your reality. It lets me see where my hate, pride, control effected others and that in turn effected my life in a negative way.

This lightbulb goes off, the clouds clear away, and I am overflowing with gratitude, gratitude that I can see, that I now have the tools to change and not keep creating the painful things I claim to despise. No more putting up a fake wall and then behind the scene hating myself and everything. It causes you to be as real and human as you can be. Some would never admit this, yet I know how amazing it is to catch a glimpse of yourself and know that you are the cause for your own demise. It is so damn easy to point outward, to blame outside of you and look outside of you for the remedy.

That will not get you anywhere. Spiritual bypassing won't do either. Just by diving into a religion ( you can do it in any religion) will not change you or heal you. The problem is people do not want go deep inside, they would rather bypass the hard work and just throw out some bible verses or some cliché saying. They would rather live blind, still have the same demons seething right under the surface but use positive thinking, jesus, yoga or whatever to cover them
up and keep going. Oh friend they will not go away just because you can say positive affirmations, or recite bible verses.

This is why when I get to this place I can either sit in self pity or I can be so grateful for this opportunity to change and grow. The thing I am most grateful is knowing I could have made some really awful choices while my ego was raging , I almost threw away the most important things in my life because I thought they were not worthy of me anymore, how sick is that ?? If I would have given up and ran away , I would not be experiencing the amazing life I have now, it has turned out to be the best thing in my life and brings me the most joy, yet I was so wrapped up in myself , my ego, and trying to grasp for happiness outside of myself I almost threw it away.

So today I just have to say let the light shine inward. Whatever demons come up, don't deny them, don't run in fear, accept them and just be willing to change. Then have gratitude you were able to see. We are all spirits in these bodies , sadly we all have pain bodies full of shit , yet they are here to help us on this journey so don't ignore them. Allow them to guide you and to help you grow. The thing about me that so many hate is I am an open book, I don't hide my demons, and when I see the shit in me I love when it comes to the light, I love calling it out and saying adios. I have known for years the deep transformation that follows. I did have to realize though that you don't reach a goal in this matter while in this body lol. I thought the first time was it, I felt on top of the world. I stopped, I stopped being grateful, I started to again expect others to be and do something great for me, when they failed I went down hard.  So, I will always remember this day just like the other two I was able to experience.

Whatever you are feeling today just ask to see what is really lying under it? Emotions are there to guide us, they are like our built in alarm system to say " hey something is a miss in you and you really need to check it out", yet we usually just look at the emotion most present and go with that. If you are sad, you just focus on that surface alarm. The sadness is there to show you something inside, something deeper that needs your attention. It could be a thought you had, an action you did that was out of alignment.. Just don't keep ignoring it.

Well friends , I am off for whatever adventure lies ahead on this day, have a great day!

Love, light, and blessings to you.

Shawna Marrie

Alan Watts is where it's at !!

I have something amazing for you all on this beautiful Friday. If you have ever or still do question religion, what you believe?? Do you need a real historical worldview of Christianity?? Please go listen to this video on YouTube, Alan Watts on Jesus and Christianity. It is exactly what my long, deep studies have led me to believe . It makes you step out of your box and the little worldview you have been given only based on your environment. It is awesome! Thank you goddess for people like Alan Watts who actually studied for years and years all religion and were strong enough to think outside of this western culture. You won't be disappointed!

Have  a great weekend!!

Valentines, parenting, and more oh my!

I am back, It has been a few days, we had a lot going on ( did I mention I have 5 kids?). This weekend was full, I had a group at my home Friday night with meditation, healing work, card readings, a house full of kids running around, my daughters boyfriend sort of took residence ( she is 15 and NO I don't mean staying the night lol just hanging out with us). I had a family valentines party with a ton of sweets and good food. It was just what I love, a house full of people soaking up the love, eating good food, and having fun. I hope your heart day was great too! I'm not one to be all mushy because love should be celebrated everyday , but I am happy to say my gift from hubby is a new tattoo I will be getting in a couple hours, sweet huh!!

My ADD is kicking into gear so let me get back on track , so many things I want to write about but I need to organize my brain! I have an open letter to single moms, a budget meal plan to share for those with a large family who are vegetarians like us,  Tim Leary, Ram Dass , and Eckhart Toll have my mind in high gear! I will however limit this post to love, and parenting, you are welcome :)

I see you out there, I see you struggling to make it through the day. Somewhere along the way this very wrong victim idea took over Maybe it was not feeling loved or seen as a child? Maybe it was a traumatic event that you took upon yourself and it has turned against you, causing you to hate yourself. I see you at the brink of the abyss, then you run away. You use your god as a coping tool, similar to an addiction. Anything to lessen the load, to help you feel love and self worth, the victim always needs a savior, yet how will ever stand on your own feet when you engulf yourself in the lies that you are so unworthy, you swallow the poison that you can't do anything, be anything without someone doing it for you. You can't love you but you feel okay in only getting relief from a guy in the sky??

When did you believe this lie? When did you fall into this trap and heed the words of others that are sick too?? You have the ability in you to move mountains, you are made of the same stuff as the moon and stars, why can't you love you? You are worthy, you are not broken, you are not a victim and you are god, you are made of god. Fully capable, fully reliable. Remember that our words are our bond, we have to live what we speak into creation, the scary part is others are also being effected by words. If you listen to the words of others and let it create a world for you where you a hopeless, helpless victim, friend you will be trapped.

We seek a god, we seek a human. In fact the one thing we should strive for in any relationship is this idea that we think we know who we are, we think we know who others are ( we only look at ego) and then we say "you can do this for me, I will do this for you and we will be happy. This is a trap , you get sucked in and it is a war of ego. Now, we also have the giver receiver mentality, the giver is usually getting rewards in feelings, then they are also usually enabling to receiver in some way. Their is a way to be, where we are self sufficient and we can just hold space for others, no givers, no receivers, we hold space for each other. When we can just sit and be, listen with heart, no judging, no labels and both with the realization that to be anything more is to sink into ego. This is the same mentality with god, some are such victims that their god just keeps enabling them, instead of all the false feelings they gain, they are actually restricted from finding real life, real purpose, and freedom.

Love is so much more that what we humans can fathom. It is not ego, it isn't just a feeling, it isn't being a giver or receiver, it isn't feeling worthless so that some god can give you false security. Love is letting go, love is the detachment and pure beauty for everything and everyone. This deep gratitude for everyone and everything. Knowing pure love is beating through all of us and we are all connected by this love. It is freedom, without restrictions, it is saying you be you , you find yourself and I will hold this space for you expecting nothing in return.

Now where does this come into parenting? Let me tell you a little of my experience. I was originally taught under a Christian mentality that as parents you are to totally control your children. That they have no clue what is best, they are too naive and the devil will snatch them up if you aren't a hawk over them at all times. Then if they try to push these very stern, structured, controlled life, well you beat them into submission, you "break their wills". It is sick and luckily I could never harm my children , then got away from a crazy ex along with his family who had lived this way many years. Children are built in with an inner guidance system. They do everything at a fast rate without our help at all, they live inside water for 9 months, they come through the birth process, they learn to sit, crawl, walk, eat, and a million things by age 5. Then we have the audacity to think they become stupid and we need to be their god. It is when real love comes in that we can bypass this ... Stay tuned for part two when I give some personal experience in the life of parenting 5 kids.

So much love, light, and blessings to you!!
Shawna Marrie

Meet Up!

Hello beautiful people! Wanted to let you all know I now have a Meet Up group! It is called Archeologist of the soul sessions. It is mainly for women but I decided to have 2 a month, one for women and one coed. I know how important it is to have a tribe, even though I am a Leo and very independent, I always have one super close friend, and a lot of "friends" but I am not a clingy getting super attached person... Yet, I know we all need someone, and it is awesome to be part of a community.
We will have guided meditation, a discussion on a topic, tarot/oracle card readings, mini healing sessions, mini past life sessions, cutting soul ties sessions, astrology stuff like reading our birth charts, moon rituals, and so much more! The main thing is to encourage, love, and help each other grow. To create a very trusting loving , safe place for us to learn together and open up, most of all heal together.
If you are local and would like to join please do!! If you know anyone that would like to join please invite them as well!!

Thanks!
Shawna Marrie

Just a quick thought...

I'm waiting for my daughter to get out of school, listening to different uplifting videos.. Everything from Tim Leary to Eckhart Toll. One thing that stuck out was if you fight life it will fight you back. Now when you get off track you can usher in so much religious junk that can blind you even further from the core issue.

See I am a Leo and my rising sign is Taurus. That's a lot of stubborn lol. When I decided to stop fighting, to stop engaging in others madness.. The one thing I still refuse to do is run back like a dog with my tail between my legs, with false humility, making it again seem " I am the one who is wrong, or who got off track, or who needed to get straighten out ".. See when people who are blind, then use what's blinding them to hate you, its a mess! I will not enable others, I will not engage their minds to think my choices are wrong and theirs are right. Its honestly irrelevant who is right or wrong because it doesn't exist!
What does exist is the illusion of control people try to hold over others heads so they will conform.

I won't play that game. See I love my life, choices, everything.. I love these people who throw Jesus around like a game ( poor guy he can't catch a break) I find it sad that instead of loving them and letting them reject or accept ( you can't control that) some just run back in fear, false humility, and give the impression they were the guilty party for daring to live their own life, think for them self, or gasp... Believe different. So in short I will love, I will not engage, but if I can't be accepted for me.. Bye Felicia! No more fake, no more fear, no more lies!

TRUST

I went to a group meeting today. I did not agree with everything there, but I did meet some very sincere people.. The topic for discussion was trust. I heard stories of victory, where people were pushed to their limits, they were so stressed, worried, and finally at their breaking point. They had to throw their hands up and say to whatever higher power they believe in " I give up, I can't do this anymore, I can't figure it out so here ya go". I heard stories of people needing a place to move by a certain date, everything was going wrong, it came down to the very last day, within hours and the deal came through. One lady who is from Africa was forced by war to live in a refugee camp, the gorilla militia groups had found the camps, and as she put it, they were gunning people down like swatting flies. She said she had this conversation " I know I have my inner guide always with me, always guiding me, but tonight Mahanta ( their term for the highest state of god consciousness) I need to see you, I need to see with my eyes that you are really here and you will protect me.
She said she was so afraid and shaking that it exhausted her so by night fall all the people were quiet, the kids stopped crying and she closed her eyes.
She opened them just a little and she said there was Mahanta, standing right there at the foot of her bed. She was still too scared to move so she closed her eyes , through the night she would open them and there stood Mahanta watching over her. She said she looked at the clock on her wrist and will never forget it was 5:30 am when she finally sat up and said " you really did come to protect me", he answered " of course I did and now you can believe" . She of course made it out of there alive and now resides in Louisville KY USA.

My jaw was wide open as I listened to all these stories , I realized I had a ton of stories since birth I could tell as well. I could write a book on trusting in your higher self and the divine , the miracles that will manifest. See worry really does no good, it is a human thing We rush around, we think we have to worry, figure things out, stress out, in reality we don't . My mentor says to me all the time, " if you knew who walked beside you , you would never fear". That is so true. If we could see we are good, we have so much to offer, the universe is good, and it is for us, we wouldn't worry , we would really live. I think of all the time wasted worrying for nothing, yes hind sight is 20/20, but I hope that I am catching on to the memo here lol. After so many miracles when will we get it?

I am learning still to trust on deeper and deeper levels. I laugh about what my past life must have been, because this life has been full of close calls that drive me to worry and then miracles always happen, I have never been without, those worst case scenarios never happen. Right now I am in a position where I am trying to get my business going, and most of my audience are people that left the crazy cult church with me , but are still so bound in fear they really have no clue how to open their minds. Instead of all that love and acceptance they read in their Bibles they have shut me out and I am now labeled a satan worshipper, or as my own Mother In Law put it in one of their secret Facebook groups " Shawna has went to the dark side and is evil, she has taken my son and grandkids and is brainwashing them, poisoning their minds".. It makes me LOL, but these people call themselves Christians lol. I could do so many things out of a place of fear. I could run back and claim I again believe the same as them , yet keeping my inner beliefs quiet, just to have friends, to have an audience, for more people to read my blog, to come to my groups, to like my facebook post. Thankfully I am not that desperate yet lol.
See, really non of it matters. I fully trust that when I follow my hearts passion and desire, when I am giving it my best, that it will work out beautifully. It might not be right now, but it will. If I run off in fear and compromise who I am , what I believe, and give into the pressure what am I really gaining? I might have fake friends, I might have hundreds of Facebook likes, a full meet up, but I will loose myself and be back at square one.

So my point is at sometime we have to let go and trust in whatever higher power we believe in. When we try to figure it out, or do things to try and make it better , most of the time we make a bigger mess. Even if it feels like it is coming to the end and something has to give, hold on a little longer. I have an issue with thinking I have to figure everything out. When my husband was switching jobs fear hit me, I was like okay well I can keep babysitting ( even though I was miserable with it) , we can give blood, I can borrow money blah blah blah.. Shane had to stop and remind me , no, we wont be doing anything out of fear . Then my mentor let me know, you let go of it, you surrender it, speak your intentions and then stop! The term trying to figure it out in itself is madness. Trying means enduring hardship, figure is like a figure 8 that goes on and on , getting nowhere, and what the hell is "it" anyways . So trust is the key. Without it we are a mess.

I know one thing for sure I am ready to get it, I want to be at the place where when something pops up, I know without that it will all work out, that the universe is for me, and I have no reason to fear. This is my prayer for you as well friend.

So much love, light, and blessings to you!'
Shawna Marrie

Human

I am only human, now that song is in your head hahaha! Seriously, I am just human, today I will thoroughly enjoy being a human. I don't have to do anything if I don't want to, I get to make the choice t do whatever I love, to do whatever the hell I want and only I have that say. I get to do all the amazing things humans can do, like share, connect, love. I can lay in bed all day, I can go sit in a field and just be, I can go buy fresh fruit and flowers because those things make me happy, I can listen to amazing music that lifts my soul. SO may things we take for granted , or worse that act like are out of our reach. " I can't do that " , "I have to go work all day" , "I have to take care of kids", " I don't have the money" ... These are all lies I told myself for way too long.

So today as I had a shouting match with fear in my kitchen telling it to fuck off and letting it know I am not the same , and rubbing in it's face that this is my life and I have no room for it anymore, I also realized all these wonderful truths. I make my choices, and I can do whatever the hell makes me happy.

Fear tried to grip me early by saying, I have to stress about this bill, I have to rush and do this and that, I have to clean my house.. That is when the shouting started. Then I allowed the truth to set in deep. Now I have reggae music up full blast, I am dancing crazy with my pets, and I am loving freedom. I had to stop and share because you too my friend can say fuck you fear, and do whatever the hell it is that makes you happy and free. This life was made for so much more than living in fear and just living. I will NOT join the walking dead. Did you ever wonder why all these zombie shows etc as of the past few years?? What manifest is what's going on inside of us. Too many of us are the walking dead, hating life, just surviving, just roaming around already dead because we are too scared to really live. Friend do not do it, do not let the fucking zombies bite you!!

I got your back! I will help fight the fuckers off, just stop, take in a deep breath (outside is best and it is so beautiful today) and tell yourself I am free, I will choose to be happy, then say fuck you fear!

Now go have a great fucking day!! love yourself, love others and BE FREE !!

I gotta get back to my dance party, the kitty and puppy miss my smooth dance moves.

So much love, light, and blessings to you !!

Shawna Marrie

One word topic . Guilt. That nasty creature.

Guilt. We have all experienced it some point in life, hell some of us live with this each day and may not remember a time it wasn't lurking waiting to dog it's ugly claws in. I can say I have lived with guilt and shame for a long long time. My husband and I both experienced some pretty awful things as children, it is crazy how you may not even realize at that moment, as an innocent child , to cope with something traumatic you have to do something, since children are narcissistic in nature due to everything revolving around them, they will blame themselves internally to make sense of things. Now, you might grow up and think oh I never think about any of those situations that caused guilt/shame so therefore it doesn't effect me, yet, in all areas it has REALLY effected you.

Before I get into where in our society we have created this guilt /shame syndrome to be even worse, I want to say this is a huge reason the false Christian doctrine is so at fault . It has helped shaped our more recent western civilization , when the explorers stumbled upon this land, they brought with it a very twisted , violent, controlling religion with them. They brought not anything to do with the real Jesus , the man who walked this earth as a human trying to get others to see that too as humans can attain the very same things as him. We are all god in our own right. All of the sudden this religion forced upon the natives was full of the idea that humans were born bad and needed to be saved , it list all kinds of sins that humans should not do, oh and of course rules / regulations to live by.  I am not talking about basic morals, even the ancient people knew that with knowledge and power, you have to have morals or there will be chaos.

So this religion has helped to shape the way most of us have grown up. The idea that there is something wrong with you ( now let me say that this is a human condition we gain after being socialized into a family, BUT if you add a religion like Christianity on top of this it is a disaster!!). We are raised in families, go to churches, schools, that all teach us we need to understand there is something wrong with us, we start to find flaws in ourselves and others as well. We sadly learn that we must be good so we can be loved, and the only way to be good is through punishment. We have a messed up punishment and reward system, that again you find stems from the Christian belief. If you confess how bad you are just because you were born, then you will be saved. You are punished for what someone else labels bad and then rewarded for what they claim is good.

This whole system is to make sure the individual will no longer need constant external punishment, because it all becomes inward. Take a child who is innocent and does something that his parents claim is bad, they punish and it feels like love is withdrawn. When he does good he is rewarded and they really love him. So now each time that child messes up, does something others label as wrong or bad he will tell himself he is bad, and unworthy of love, and needs to be punished. He will then punish himself internally. This happens all the time in religion but I have witnessed and experienced it in Christianity. So many go around self sabotaging, hating, and just awful towards themselves  , all because they think this is god views them, so they view themselves that way, oh and then it spreads out like a disease , they start to spew it onto others. This mentality of I deserve what happens to me plays a huge role as well. Thinking oh well I am so bad, I only deserve bad, then you attract bad and claim this is somehow gods will.

You start to tell yourself you don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve love or anything good. Guilt is a form of self punishment and self abuse!! The emotion of guilt was created in all humans to let us know hey , I did something I do not want to repeat, it didn't align with my higher self , now I know through guilt that it's not something I enjoy or want to do again. What happens next is anger and regret keep you inside this prison of guilt. Guilt in itself serves no other purpose except what I listed above, it now turns into blame, self punishment, and self abuse.

I see so many people who once they get away from controlling situations, abuse, and even religions that have taught them this unhealthy way of punishment/reward, self hate, guilt, shame, they get a taste of freedom, yet the guilt of just living is too much. They can't handle it. They have been so conditioned their whole life about what is right and wrong, what you love about others and what you judge /hate , they can't do it. They run right back to the old ways, they are right back confessing to Jesus what an awful person they are etc. Really they are still hating themselves. No one is to judge what is right or wrong, we ourselves should not be judging like we do. We are to love and learn, be free, just be aware and mindful. The guilt ridden self hating mind can't do this. It will pick itself apart , then when they have cut themselves so much and can't handle the pain, they then go out and start judging/stabbing others. It is a sick, painful way to live. We can be free of the guilt placed on us by others, by situations, and ourselves.

The first step is realize what guilt is , what it does, and how it isn't serving you. Decide you are ready and willing to let go of guilt. Replace your belief that you deserve punishment ( hell , pain etc) no love, no happiness with the belief that you DO deserve happiness, love, etc. Only take responsibility for your part, you do not have to take on the guilt of something someone else did. You have to stop looking at the past and trying to change it in your mind. We can't change it and to keep going back and thinking of what we could have done different does no good in reality. Apologize to anyone you hurt in the past that you still feel guilt over. Even forgive yourself . Make a plan of how you will behave in the future, don't just hear things and let it go, really put to practice new ways of thinking and being.
Discover all assumptions and judgments your making in situations that cause you to feel guit. Remember guilt is the opposite of self love, so if you really want to start cutting down guilt at the roots you have to start self love! Listen to affirmation, or write your own, it is time to flip the script and it starts with love! Remember this as will guilt eating away at your life will continue to attract situations into your life that create more guilt!!!! Ever wonder why it gets out of control ? Why after that thing you did that you or someone labeled as bad all of the sudden you keep doing it, or other bad things?? ding ding ding!!!

It makes me sad to see so many run and hide after feeling exposed. They are breaking away trying to find freedom, they are living just experiencing life, but, those old lies that they were told start playing of how wrong they are, how bad they are, the guilt hits and self hate is out of control , so they run back to the only place they know, because yeah asking for forgivness to my make believe god will make me a good person now. If only they can see they are just continuing the cycle. It is ok. Go and live, make mistakes, make your own choices, stop hurting yourself and others. When you hate yourself you push everyone away. When you are judging you then you start to do it to everyone around you.

No matter if the guilt/shame is from something that happened to you, or if it is just a lifetime of being told how bad you are, how much you need to be saved, and ask to be forgiven.. You can change this. Please love you, know you deserve the best and that you are not a bad person for being you.

So much love , light, and blessings to you all!!

Shawna Marrie