I need to have this conversation, yes this conversation needs to take place today. More than anything it needs to happen so the crammed words in my head can finally come out, because then , oh then do I have to face the music. No more jumping on and off the see saw that only leaves me sick, dizzy , and off balance.

In this beautiful country of ours, Merica, it is bad, like really bad. Now I wasn't around in the earlier years of this country ( well I was but I can't remember much yet , yes another topic for later lol). So I am sure it is better than then, but this is effing almost 2016, seriously 2016! I dreamed we would be living on mars and flying around like the Jetsons by now. Instead women are still made to feel their whole identity is wrapped up in their role as a wife/mother , savior, nurturer. Hell we in the west are even worse than older, wiser countries!! I do understand that this can happen to men, that they have bs standards placed on them like only identifying with your job, being a certain father, husband .. So before you think my teenage riot g!rl is coming out swinging.. no, I am just a bit pissed but I can calmly talk about this.

I was there, it was sick and gross.

let me back up. At age 17 I became preggo. That time in my life my only aspiration was the next rave, show, and the next high. Yep drugs galore. So yes, this little ball of joy literally saved my life bc jail or death was in the near future. Finally my life had meaning! I went through school hating it, I had a learning disorder that made certain subjects hard. Even though I was very intelligent , I loved English , reading, history... If you didn't master math and science well just hang it up. I clearly remember my dream at age 9 to become and archeologist shattered in one single conversation. " You know Shawna , in order to do that you have to get good grades , study hard, and not be LAZY. You know because most of my childhood I was told my learning disability made me LAZY. It wasn't that maybe I was scared of failure so I didn't give it my all, or that maybe I needed just a boost in confidence... nope I was labeled as a lazy failure and I wore that my whole life . So you see now this child gave me purpose and something I could be great at.

You can see the set up for disaster, I will give the very short version of how at 18 with a baby I had the thought that a good parent takes their kids to church, I am so amazing I picked one of the most controlling and abusive churches in my area lol. There is a reason and I see clearly now. I needed a way to feel loved, to feel worthy, to feel loved. I could not after the things I had been through in my childhood etc love me. I hated myself. I carried guilt and shame. So I needed a church to say if you dress like little house on the prairie , if you devote every second to god , your husband, your kids then and only then will you be loved and worthy of love.

Yep I was married quick , to a 19 year old that had no clue how to love himself , he was raised in a very abusive controlling home , with a mom that did and still does live every second taking care of everyone around her when she isn't working all day. I had two more children. At first it seemed I had found my calling, I was a savior woohoo. I could love and care for everyone, ooohhhh better yet I was now a martyr. I could sacrifice all my time to others, then put the blame and guilt trip on them for not giving in return . CAN YOU NOT SEE ALL I DO?? Of course not, This is the normal for them. With me doing and being everything why should they?

I was lost, I lost myself. I was miserable. I remember after the birth of my 3rd child, my son, I had my tubes tied because oh my God I could not have more kids and add to the stress. I begged the hospital, my doctor to let me stay longer , I was in the hospital alone, in pain, left with a baby to care for. At home I had a 1 year old and a 4 year old waiting on me. I got home and I was in pain, my ex would just go in the garage and hang out, no helping with the younger kids, no changing diapers for me, no bringing me food NOTHING. I had a break down and had to call a distant relative of his to get help for one day. This was deemed as bad. In this sick community where women are suppose to be all and do all , I was now seen as unstable because after pushing a baby out of my body, having surgery , I just wanted a little help.

Yes, I got out of that situation. HHMM, did I ? I left that situation yet carried around this mentality that I was worth nothing except being a mom, the divorce  left a huge hole because now part of my identity was gone. My two younger children were gone half the time, oh my god! Who am I? What do I like? What do I want ?? yes, it was NOT pretty. Depression hit and it hit hard. Finally I did all I knew to do, go deeper into church (UGH) ... On one hand yes, letting god lead, not trying to control your life, trusting you are guided and taken care of is all good. Now, having every aspect of your life controlled by another so you feel a sense of self worth by living up to those expectations? Not cool.

Let's fast forward to present day, I am remarried going on 6 years of being together, we have my stepchildren full time, so that is 7 people !! Guess who was in charge of everything?? DING DING DING !! You are one smart cookie, yep me. Now this was all do to false belief systems myself and my husband had allowed in. He was raised in this same church, by a mother who identified only as a wife and mom ( and she raised her adult kids and grandkids ). So this was the norm, after years of trying find myself, live and be ok as a single gal with kids that were not always around, I fell right back in.

Now let me say I have been doing it all, parenting, school stuff, even homeschooling at different times, working, getting groceries, paying bills, making sure everything with everyone is tip top shape. Cleaning, ugh you name it. It got so bad I was the wife who even though he was able , my husband would say " hand me this, get that , can you do this" and I jumped. I was miserable, stressed, and feeling like a failure because who can live like that ??It has slowly gotten better. For starters the Christian world in general creates hell for women! So finally getting away from that was a huge turning point!

They put so much on women to be the best everything and men get a free card, yet if a man wants to do different he is looked down  on!

So here I am 33 and finding my voice. Trying to force my 5 kids to learn on their own, to not need me every second for everything, My husband and I have both come a long way , but this is just the start of a new path, a new journey. I now see I can create my life any way I wan and it starts with loving me, believing in me, and not needing any outward things to validate the greatness I have.

I can't change society, I don't even know who is reading this. I do know right now in our own personal lives as women we can be powerful, we can love ourselves, we can bring so much great into the world. We do not have to live from a place that we only identify as mothers and wives. Honestly we can't even do much good if we don't love us and put our real happiness first , because, then again we expect everything outside of us to bring love, happiness, and validation.

Well folks that is the end of all I needed to say, I needed to hear it, to speak it out, I hope it helps you today as well.

so much love, light, and blessings to you all!

Shawna Marrie Middleton