It is that time of year again, yep it is time to bring in a new year. Personally the new year has never been that big of a deal for me. I have never done the whole resolution thing, it is just another day. Of course, the celebration has changed drastically over the years. As a child it was spent with family or all of us siblings and cousins together while the adults went out. Then as a teen it was getting as trashed as possible and trying to not go to jail. As a young adult and through my 20's it was church to "pray in the new year" lol. Tonight myself and my family are eating a dinner together, playing games, we will burn away the old that no longer serves us that we don't to carry into a new year , write up goals and changes as a family for 2016, then hopefully still be awake to see the ball drop!
I have learned a lot in 2015. It was a time of great changes. I woke up to my new spiritual path, left the old behind. I had some heart break, I had to face things and make big choice. I homeschooled then stopped, moved from the country back to the city. I have decided to follow my hearts passion and to do what I love.
I am finding my voice again, it has been hidden in being a wife, mother, it has been hidden under religion and others that I tried to changed into someone I was not to please. She is slowly still coming out and even though it can be scary I am welcoming her with open arms. I will not be afraid to speak my truth, I will love me, I will not compromise my peace, happiness, inner joy for another.
I hope 2016 finds you in peace, and that you also let go of all that no longer serves you, take the chains off and embrace freedom, and love yourself so much that you do what makes you happy and you don't compromise that for anyone or anything.
I am typing in between cooking lol , so have a great safe night all!
so much blessings, love, and light to you all!
Shawna Middleton
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
I need to have this conversation, yes this conversation needs to take place today. More than anything it needs to happen so the crammed words in my head can finally come out, because then , oh then do I have to face the music. No more jumping on and off the see saw that only leaves me sick, dizzy , and off balance.
In this beautiful country of ours, Merica, it is bad, like really bad. Now I wasn't around in the earlier years of this country ( well I was but I can't remember much yet , yes another topic for later lol). So I am sure it is better than then, but this is effing almost 2016, seriously 2016! I dreamed we would be living on mars and flying around like the Jetsons by now. Instead women are still made to feel their whole identity is wrapped up in their role as a wife/mother , savior, nurturer. Hell we in the west are even worse than older, wiser countries!! I do understand that this can happen to men, that they have bs standards placed on them like only identifying with your job, being a certain father, husband .. So before you think my teenage riot g!rl is coming out swinging.. no, I am just a bit pissed but I can calmly talk about this.
I was there, it was sick and gross.
let me back up. At age 17 I became preggo. That time in my life my only aspiration was the next rave, show, and the next high. Yep drugs galore. So yes, this little ball of joy literally saved my life bc jail or death was in the near future. Finally my life had meaning! I went through school hating it, I had a learning disorder that made certain subjects hard. Even though I was very intelligent , I loved English , reading, history... If you didn't master math and science well just hang it up. I clearly remember my dream at age 9 to become and archeologist shattered in one single conversation. " You know Shawna , in order to do that you have to get good grades , study hard, and not be LAZY. You know because most of my childhood I was told my learning disability made me LAZY. It wasn't that maybe I was scared of failure so I didn't give it my all, or that maybe I needed just a boost in confidence... nope I was labeled as a lazy failure and I wore that my whole life . So you see now this child gave me purpose and something I could be great at.
You can see the set up for disaster, I will give the very short version of how at 18 with a baby I had the thought that a good parent takes their kids to church, I am so amazing I picked one of the most controlling and abusive churches in my area lol. There is a reason and I see clearly now. I needed a way to feel loved, to feel worthy, to feel loved. I could not after the things I had been through in my childhood etc love me. I hated myself. I carried guilt and shame. So I needed a church to say if you dress like little house on the prairie , if you devote every second to god , your husband, your kids then and only then will you be loved and worthy of love.
Yep I was married quick , to a 19 year old that had no clue how to love himself , he was raised in a very abusive controlling home , with a mom that did and still does live every second taking care of everyone around her when she isn't working all day. I had two more children. At first it seemed I had found my calling, I was a savior woohoo. I could love and care for everyone, ooohhhh better yet I was now a martyr. I could sacrifice all my time to others, then put the blame and guilt trip on them for not giving in return . CAN YOU NOT SEE ALL I DO?? Of course not, This is the normal for them. With me doing and being everything why should they?
I was lost, I lost myself. I was miserable. I remember after the birth of my 3rd child, my son, I had my tubes tied because oh my God I could not have more kids and add to the stress. I begged the hospital, my doctor to let me stay longer , I was in the hospital alone, in pain, left with a baby to care for. At home I had a 1 year old and a 4 year old waiting on me. I got home and I was in pain, my ex would just go in the garage and hang out, no helping with the younger kids, no changing diapers for me, no bringing me food NOTHING. I had a break down and had to call a distant relative of his to get help for one day. This was deemed as bad. In this sick community where women are suppose to be all and do all , I was now seen as unstable because after pushing a baby out of my body, having surgery , I just wanted a little help.
Yes, I got out of that situation. HHMM, did I ? I left that situation yet carried around this mentality that I was worth nothing except being a mom, the divorce left a huge hole because now part of my identity was gone. My two younger children were gone half the time, oh my god! Who am I? What do I like? What do I want ?? yes, it was NOT pretty. Depression hit and it hit hard. Finally I did all I knew to do, go deeper into church (UGH) ... On one hand yes, letting god lead, not trying to control your life, trusting you are guided and taken care of is all good. Now, having every aspect of your life controlled by another so you feel a sense of self worth by living up to those expectations? Not cool.
Let's fast forward to present day, I am remarried going on 6 years of being together, we have my stepchildren full time, so that is 7 people !! Guess who was in charge of everything?? DING DING DING !! You are one smart cookie, yep me. Now this was all do to false belief systems myself and my husband had allowed in. He was raised in this same church, by a mother who identified only as a wife and mom ( and she raised her adult kids and grandkids ). So this was the norm, after years of trying find myself, live and be ok as a single gal with kids that were not always around, I fell right back in.
Now let me say I have been doing it all, parenting, school stuff, even homeschooling at different times, working, getting groceries, paying bills, making sure everything with everyone is tip top shape. Cleaning, ugh you name it. It got so bad I was the wife who even though he was able , my husband would say " hand me this, get that , can you do this" and I jumped. I was miserable, stressed, and feeling like a failure because who can live like that ??It has slowly gotten better. For starters the Christian world in general creates hell for women! So finally getting away from that was a huge turning point!
They put so much on women to be the best everything and men get a free card, yet if a man wants to do different he is looked down on!
So here I am 33 and finding my voice. Trying to force my 5 kids to learn on their own, to not need me every second for everything, My husband and I have both come a long way , but this is just the start of a new path, a new journey. I now see I can create my life any way I wan and it starts with loving me, believing in me, and not needing any outward things to validate the greatness I have.
I can't change society, I don't even know who is reading this. I do know right now in our own personal lives as women we can be powerful, we can love ourselves, we can bring so much great into the world. We do not have to live from a place that we only identify as mothers and wives. Honestly we can't even do much good if we don't love us and put our real happiness first , because, then again we expect everything outside of us to bring love, happiness, and validation.
Well folks that is the end of all I needed to say, I needed to hear it, to speak it out, I hope it helps you today as well.
so much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
In this beautiful country of ours, Merica, it is bad, like really bad. Now I wasn't around in the earlier years of this country ( well I was but I can't remember much yet , yes another topic for later lol). So I am sure it is better than then, but this is effing almost 2016, seriously 2016! I dreamed we would be living on mars and flying around like the Jetsons by now. Instead women are still made to feel their whole identity is wrapped up in their role as a wife/mother , savior, nurturer. Hell we in the west are even worse than older, wiser countries!! I do understand that this can happen to men, that they have bs standards placed on them like only identifying with your job, being a certain father, husband .. So before you think my teenage riot g!rl is coming out swinging.. no, I am just a bit pissed but I can calmly talk about this.
I was there, it was sick and gross.
let me back up. At age 17 I became preggo. That time in my life my only aspiration was the next rave, show, and the next high. Yep drugs galore. So yes, this little ball of joy literally saved my life bc jail or death was in the near future. Finally my life had meaning! I went through school hating it, I had a learning disorder that made certain subjects hard. Even though I was very intelligent , I loved English , reading, history... If you didn't master math and science well just hang it up. I clearly remember my dream at age 9 to become and archeologist shattered in one single conversation. " You know Shawna , in order to do that you have to get good grades , study hard, and not be LAZY. You know because most of my childhood I was told my learning disability made me LAZY. It wasn't that maybe I was scared of failure so I didn't give it my all, or that maybe I needed just a boost in confidence... nope I was labeled as a lazy failure and I wore that my whole life . So you see now this child gave me purpose and something I could be great at.
You can see the set up for disaster, I will give the very short version of how at 18 with a baby I had the thought that a good parent takes their kids to church, I am so amazing I picked one of the most controlling and abusive churches in my area lol. There is a reason and I see clearly now. I needed a way to feel loved, to feel worthy, to feel loved. I could not after the things I had been through in my childhood etc love me. I hated myself. I carried guilt and shame. So I needed a church to say if you dress like little house on the prairie , if you devote every second to god , your husband, your kids then and only then will you be loved and worthy of love.
Yep I was married quick , to a 19 year old that had no clue how to love himself , he was raised in a very abusive controlling home , with a mom that did and still does live every second taking care of everyone around her when she isn't working all day. I had two more children. At first it seemed I had found my calling, I was a savior woohoo. I could love and care for everyone, ooohhhh better yet I was now a martyr. I could sacrifice all my time to others, then put the blame and guilt trip on them for not giving in return . CAN YOU NOT SEE ALL I DO?? Of course not, This is the normal for them. With me doing and being everything why should they?
I was lost, I lost myself. I was miserable. I remember after the birth of my 3rd child, my son, I had my tubes tied because oh my God I could not have more kids and add to the stress. I begged the hospital, my doctor to let me stay longer , I was in the hospital alone, in pain, left with a baby to care for. At home I had a 1 year old and a 4 year old waiting on me. I got home and I was in pain, my ex would just go in the garage and hang out, no helping with the younger kids, no changing diapers for me, no bringing me food NOTHING. I had a break down and had to call a distant relative of his to get help for one day. This was deemed as bad. In this sick community where women are suppose to be all and do all , I was now seen as unstable because after pushing a baby out of my body, having surgery , I just wanted a little help.
Yes, I got out of that situation. HHMM, did I ? I left that situation yet carried around this mentality that I was worth nothing except being a mom, the divorce left a huge hole because now part of my identity was gone. My two younger children were gone half the time, oh my god! Who am I? What do I like? What do I want ?? yes, it was NOT pretty. Depression hit and it hit hard. Finally I did all I knew to do, go deeper into church (UGH) ... On one hand yes, letting god lead, not trying to control your life, trusting you are guided and taken care of is all good. Now, having every aspect of your life controlled by another so you feel a sense of self worth by living up to those expectations? Not cool.
Let's fast forward to present day, I am remarried going on 6 years of being together, we have my stepchildren full time, so that is 7 people !! Guess who was in charge of everything?? DING DING DING !! You are one smart cookie, yep me. Now this was all do to false belief systems myself and my husband had allowed in. He was raised in this same church, by a mother who identified only as a wife and mom ( and she raised her adult kids and grandkids ). So this was the norm, after years of trying find myself, live and be ok as a single gal with kids that were not always around, I fell right back in.
Now let me say I have been doing it all, parenting, school stuff, even homeschooling at different times, working, getting groceries, paying bills, making sure everything with everyone is tip top shape. Cleaning, ugh you name it. It got so bad I was the wife who even though he was able , my husband would say " hand me this, get that , can you do this" and I jumped. I was miserable, stressed, and feeling like a failure because who can live like that ??It has slowly gotten better. For starters the Christian world in general creates hell for women! So finally getting away from that was a huge turning point!
They put so much on women to be the best everything and men get a free card, yet if a man wants to do different he is looked down on!
So here I am 33 and finding my voice. Trying to force my 5 kids to learn on their own, to not need me every second for everything, My husband and I have both come a long way , but this is just the start of a new path, a new journey. I now see I can create my life any way I wan and it starts with loving me, believing in me, and not needing any outward things to validate the greatness I have.
I can't change society, I don't even know who is reading this. I do know right now in our own personal lives as women we can be powerful, we can love ourselves, we can bring so much great into the world. We do not have to live from a place that we only identify as mothers and wives. Honestly we can't even do much good if we don't love us and put our real happiness first , because, then again we expect everything outside of us to bring love, happiness, and validation.
Well folks that is the end of all I needed to say, I needed to hear it, to speak it out, I hope it helps you today as well.
so much love, light, and blessings to you all!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
The great mirror
This has been huge for me recently. So today this is what I am reflecting on and sharing. I am going to dive in then break it down.
The Mirror Principle
Everything we see and feel is a reflection of the state of our own consciousness . Every person we attract into our lives is showing us a perception we hold about ourselves. Every feeling expressed by another , mirrors a deep feeling within us. This reflection is a gift, for it allows us to be aware of the beliefs we hold, and the way we have blocked the free flow of Divine Love through us.
Did you hear that ?? No , really, did you HEAR that??
That goes against everything you are taught in mainstream society! You are taught that external circumstances are responsible for your happiness , therefore you are always looking outward and working on everyone, everything outside of you. You rarely look inside. We are taught this theory " I am perfect the way I am so you either accept me or go away"... Yeah ok, that hold a little truth, yet in reality if you have attracted someone into your life and you start to feel negative about them or the way they respond to you , honey boo boo that is a big flag for you to examine you.
Do you see it yet?? Everyone in your life YOU attracted! Yep that can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you think about all those people you blame for everything and you kicked them out of your life. You didn't take time to say wow, what is it in me that attracted them? Because the fact to vibrations have to match to even be around the other! If your vibration did't match Mr., Mrs. abusive, controlling, narcissist etc... Then there would have been no way you could have been to begin with.
How does this help you now? You can look back and examine this to be sure you are cleared of what is inside of you that attracted these people, and what they were holding a mirror up for you to see. Everything in them you despised was / is a reflection of what is in you.
If you keep attracting the same people this is huge! It is time to look inside and dive deep. What hurts are you living out of? What needs to be healed in you so you will vibrate out healing and wholeness and attract that in return? Some people hop from person to person only to run away when they see things in them they do not like. Instead they should be really examining what is in them ??
Yep, not an easy concept to swallow. It is life changing if you will try it.
Now I am sure you might be thinking what about if I decide to do this in a relationship , yet, the other person doesn't ? They aren't changing, they are still at a low vibration etc. I would first be sure that you are dealing with what they are mirroring to you because of not, you will just jump into a new relationship with all this crap you blame on another. Then if you have done your healing etc... Remember no two vibrations that do not match can be together. So it will have to line up or it can't be.
Now my reason for sharing this is , yes, I have been forced by learning this to look at all people I am around or are close to me and those things that I do not like about them, well I now know that are my mirror for learning and growing. My husband and I no longer go around in so many circles blaming each other, pointing fingers, we realize what we don't like in each other is really something in us we have to heal or deal with. Once we take responsibility for ourselves then we come together and talk about anything undone. The key is all the blaming, all the expecting them to change so we can be happy is gone. We realize happiness is really inside of us .
I hope this helps you as much as it has me recently, if you take this and let it sink in, it can be life changing!
So much love, light, and blessing to you!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
The Mirror Principle
Everything we see and feel is a reflection of the state of our own consciousness . Every person we attract into our lives is showing us a perception we hold about ourselves. Every feeling expressed by another , mirrors a deep feeling within us. This reflection is a gift, for it allows us to be aware of the beliefs we hold, and the way we have blocked the free flow of Divine Love through us.
Did you hear that ?? No , really, did you HEAR that??
That goes against everything you are taught in mainstream society! You are taught that external circumstances are responsible for your happiness , therefore you are always looking outward and working on everyone, everything outside of you. You rarely look inside. We are taught this theory " I am perfect the way I am so you either accept me or go away"... Yeah ok, that hold a little truth, yet in reality if you have attracted someone into your life and you start to feel negative about them or the way they respond to you , honey boo boo that is a big flag for you to examine you.
Do you see it yet?? Everyone in your life YOU attracted! Yep that can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you think about all those people you blame for everything and you kicked them out of your life. You didn't take time to say wow, what is it in me that attracted them? Because the fact to vibrations have to match to even be around the other! If your vibration did't match Mr., Mrs. abusive, controlling, narcissist etc... Then there would have been no way you could have been to begin with.
How does this help you now? You can look back and examine this to be sure you are cleared of what is inside of you that attracted these people, and what they were holding a mirror up for you to see. Everything in them you despised was / is a reflection of what is in you.
If you keep attracting the same people this is huge! It is time to look inside and dive deep. What hurts are you living out of? What needs to be healed in you so you will vibrate out healing and wholeness and attract that in return? Some people hop from person to person only to run away when they see things in them they do not like. Instead they should be really examining what is in them ??
Yep, not an easy concept to swallow. It is life changing if you will try it.
Now I am sure you might be thinking what about if I decide to do this in a relationship , yet, the other person doesn't ? They aren't changing, they are still at a low vibration etc. I would first be sure that you are dealing with what they are mirroring to you because of not, you will just jump into a new relationship with all this crap you blame on another. Then if you have done your healing etc... Remember no two vibrations that do not match can be together. So it will have to line up or it can't be.
Now my reason for sharing this is , yes, I have been forced by learning this to look at all people I am around or are close to me and those things that I do not like about them, well I now know that are my mirror for learning and growing. My husband and I no longer go around in so many circles blaming each other, pointing fingers, we realize what we don't like in each other is really something in us we have to heal or deal with. Once we take responsibility for ourselves then we come together and talk about anything undone. The key is all the blaming, all the expecting them to change so we can be happy is gone. We realize happiness is really inside of us .
I hope this helps you as much as it has me recently, if you take this and let it sink in, it can be life changing!
So much love, light, and blessing to you!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
Monday, December 28, 2015
Welcome to the world of the mystical gypsy mom, welcome to my world.
Hi world!
I created this blog space back in 2012 and I did not create one blog post! I just came to the realization of my huge fear that if I put myself, my passions, my talents out into the world that big bad world might reject me and all that is in me. This time fear won't win! I am stepping out and ready to go for it.
See I had something huge happen, some call it awakening , a shift, being enlightened. I will not bash the very conservative, strict, abusive, controlling religious group I found myself in at the age of 18, see I allowed myself to be there out of fear. Even though I gave them a run for their money because even in being there my very non conformist self couldn't stay quiet.
I have always known there was more. I have known that society only shows and feeds you certain things because they have to control us somehow, God forbid we become free thinkers and start searching for the truth. Most live in this state of zombie like living. You do just what you are told, believe what your fed, and go on to fit right in with societies "norm". Even though most are stressed, depressed, angry, unfulfilled. It is because this isn't how we were created to live.
I stumbled upon information thanks to the internet and library back in the summer of 2014. I was so fed up with my life, with trying all the things the church told me I had to do to be seen as worthy to GOd, to make it in the rapture that is to happen any second ( for thousands of years now). It didn't work! I was the same angry, wounded, hurting person.
I started by reading books about the origins of Christianity, how the Bible really came to be, the real life of Jesus. I started finding out that even our forefathers were not Christians as so many say they were. They as well were deep into the occult and on the path to ancient truth,
This all blew my mind yet at the same time such a feeling of relief that I was not crazy. It was strange because I would mention things to my husband and the group of people from the church I left but I was so careful to stay in the boundaries of Christianity and not rock the boat too much. For the most part my husband , who was raised in this very controlling , abusive church ignored me and held onto what he had been taught. I kept silent for about 6 months, studying, reading , having amazing conversations with myself.
As fate would have it right after we moved too far to continue driving to this church an explosion happened. Finally years of sexual abuse towards children and others started to surface. Pastors etc that had done awful things to so many kids and it was covered by the main founder and Pastor were bubbling to the surface. I took this as a sign it was so right the path spirit was leading me on and an opportunity to speak publicly about my history with the church, the abuse I endured etc. This all made my husband and so many others take a good look at what they believed is the truth, at why they had blindly followed what another human said was the truth etc.
Eventually this led me on the path to where I am now. I attracted like minded people, I have tapped into my gift of healing, of helping others with my empath, intuitive, clairsentient gifts. I have found my love of crystals and chakra and more! I took the step out of fear , out of the what if's and I told myself I can't live with the regret of not following my heart. So here I am . Actually, it was not easy, it was not smooth lol and of course I am in process , always healing, trying to become the best version of myself. Being a parent and wife in this process of change has been very challenging. I have had to re-evaluate all of it! How do I want my marriage? Living with another human full time while both going through huge transformations, how to parent from this new awakened life?
So I am offering my knowledge, my experience and what I learn each day in hopes that you too will see it is possible! It is possible to live an amazing , abundant , happy, purpose filled life that you create and stop others from creating for you. Also to help guide and assist in any way possible.
This is just the tip of the ice burg as far as all I have experienced and I will go into detail as the time comes, I have lived a crazy, beautiful, painful life in my 33 years everything from being a teen mom, drug addiction, a leave it to beaver wanna be and religious freak, going through all types of abuse to everything in between lol. I hope my journey can help you as well.
looking forward to being on this journey and growing with you!
So much love, light, and blessing to you all!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
I created this blog space back in 2012 and I did not create one blog post! I just came to the realization of my huge fear that if I put myself, my passions, my talents out into the world that big bad world might reject me and all that is in me. This time fear won't win! I am stepping out and ready to go for it.
See I had something huge happen, some call it awakening , a shift, being enlightened. I will not bash the very conservative, strict, abusive, controlling religious group I found myself in at the age of 18, see I allowed myself to be there out of fear. Even though I gave them a run for their money because even in being there my very non conformist self couldn't stay quiet.
I have always known there was more. I have known that society only shows and feeds you certain things because they have to control us somehow, God forbid we become free thinkers and start searching for the truth. Most live in this state of zombie like living. You do just what you are told, believe what your fed, and go on to fit right in with societies "norm". Even though most are stressed, depressed, angry, unfulfilled. It is because this isn't how we were created to live.
I stumbled upon information thanks to the internet and library back in the summer of 2014. I was so fed up with my life, with trying all the things the church told me I had to do to be seen as worthy to GOd, to make it in the rapture that is to happen any second ( for thousands of years now). It didn't work! I was the same angry, wounded, hurting person.
I started by reading books about the origins of Christianity, how the Bible really came to be, the real life of Jesus. I started finding out that even our forefathers were not Christians as so many say they were. They as well were deep into the occult and on the path to ancient truth,
This all blew my mind yet at the same time such a feeling of relief that I was not crazy. It was strange because I would mention things to my husband and the group of people from the church I left but I was so careful to stay in the boundaries of Christianity and not rock the boat too much. For the most part my husband , who was raised in this very controlling , abusive church ignored me and held onto what he had been taught. I kept silent for about 6 months, studying, reading , having amazing conversations with myself.
As fate would have it right after we moved too far to continue driving to this church an explosion happened. Finally years of sexual abuse towards children and others started to surface. Pastors etc that had done awful things to so many kids and it was covered by the main founder and Pastor were bubbling to the surface. I took this as a sign it was so right the path spirit was leading me on and an opportunity to speak publicly about my history with the church, the abuse I endured etc. This all made my husband and so many others take a good look at what they believed is the truth, at why they had blindly followed what another human said was the truth etc.
Eventually this led me on the path to where I am now. I attracted like minded people, I have tapped into my gift of healing, of helping others with my empath, intuitive, clairsentient gifts. I have found my love of crystals and chakra and more! I took the step out of fear , out of the what if's and I told myself I can't live with the regret of not following my heart. So here I am . Actually, it was not easy, it was not smooth lol and of course I am in process , always healing, trying to become the best version of myself. Being a parent and wife in this process of change has been very challenging. I have had to re-evaluate all of it! How do I want my marriage? Living with another human full time while both going through huge transformations, how to parent from this new awakened life?
So I am offering my knowledge, my experience and what I learn each day in hopes that you too will see it is possible! It is possible to live an amazing , abundant , happy, purpose filled life that you create and stop others from creating for you. Also to help guide and assist in any way possible.
This is just the tip of the ice burg as far as all I have experienced and I will go into detail as the time comes, I have lived a crazy, beautiful, painful life in my 33 years everything from being a teen mom, drug addiction, a leave it to beaver wanna be and religious freak, going through all types of abuse to everything in between lol. I hope my journey can help you as well.
looking forward to being on this journey and growing with you!
So much love, light, and blessing to you all!
Shawna Marrie Middleton
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